u/2_Tired_o_o

I thought I could grow pass you
But I’ve only grown more fond of you
I cant deny my heart formed a bond with you
It’s taken root in me
Every night I dream and it tears at me
Bleeding me but never enough
The blood couldn’t be enough to pay my regrets
Death may be the only peace I’ll know from you
Because the only time I see you is as a broken marinnette deceiving me in my dreams
Mocking me and depriving me of rest
Never letting me close enough to hold you close to me so I can tell you
That you were my home
My soul
The only place I felt whole
In my dreams you see me bleeding
Choking on my own vomit
ODing, struggling to keep breathing
I don’t ask for help, I know that shouldn’t
I don’t beg, I know that you wouldn’t
I don’t plead, even if you could
i know you won’t help me

Does anyone else experience more muscle fatigue and slower movement on anti epileptic medication? I’m quite into fitness and I’ve noticed when on increased doses of keppra my muscle contraction are weaker and my weight tolerance dropped nearly 20lb and it took far more will power to reach failure. I believe the function of these medications in simple terms is suppressing ionic nerve activity, at least with sodium ion channel blockers like Lamictal. These same nerves contribute to motion and muscle contraction so i believe it has an effect on this, including disrupting muscle memory and memory in general. Just my thoughts. Lw brag but i still managed to bench 265 and squat 350 on this medication so im still willing myself to grow.

Overall I’ve managed to keep most of symptom and seizures private. I find it embarrassing personally, my auras give me a slow onset most of the time so I can step away and find a private space before I collapse or have any convulsive symptoms or hopefully it’s just an aura and it passes. I used to have select inactive spaces at my job before I had proper treatment because my seizures were so frequently. At one point I chose to just tell someone I was high during an aura rather than admit it. My own dad thought I was on heroin. Now days I’m a little more open, I still hide it as much as I can but it the parts of my life it affects, I keep people informed. I make it convenient for everyone else and now I feel like most of them don’t understand how much of an inconvenience it is to me. I force myself to function, after a seizure I’m not even thinking about my health, I’m thinking about the time, what I still have to do and how I’m going to do it, then I usually lose that thought three times due to the postictal state then drag myself through the rest of the day feeling like I’m dreaming while people are asking me if I’m good and I have all the same shitty rhetorical responses as usual. Telling the average person about seizures feels fruitless, because seizures are a weird ass phenomenon that most people don’t get without a 10 page lecture and that’s a lot of energy to waste on when most people don’t gaf either way.

I’ve been having seizures multiple times a day for the past 5 days. It started slow with light focal aware seizures. I’ve started to have partial convulsive episode with it pretty irregular for me. I’ve mostly had partial seizures in the past so this is still unfamiliar territory for me. I’m kinda of tired of the mental side effects of the meds I already take so does anyone have any suggestions for meds that don’t diminish cognitive capacity too much?