Looking for feedback on first piece of writing [1558]
The car rolls towards the house, I let my foot come down and put pressure onto the brakes, I've become too familiar with this motion.
The car slows down and comes to a stop.
I switch the keys, the engine dies and the silence grows
Looking out to the street tells me that no one else litters the ground, just the flickers from the occasional street light.
How I like it
I fumble with the handle, carelessly grabbing my phone as I bring myself towards the open air.
The door slams under my grip and I start to make my way to the front door
Two steps in and my carelessness shows, I drop my phone to the ground and hear a crack.
Shit
I bend down, extend my arm and turn my head towards the ground.
Black, course and the occasional glimmer in the moonlight. The ground easily outlines my phone.
My hand grips the phone, and I suddenly pause with my arm still extended
The darkness is broken. Not from behind or in-front, but from my side.
Up towards my house I can see a light now emitting from inside
The light I turned off, the light I always turn off before I leave.
I'm always particular about my patterns, so why is today any different.
The light now outlines the curtains drawn. the wooden window frame. It streaks towards the lawn in the darkness
The rays of light forces its way towards the dark night and into my direction
My phone vibrates, taking me out of my mannequin state
Innately, I pull my eyes from the window and look down to the phone, still in my hand.
I notice the phones shape indented in my palm, the cracks of glass layered over the screen
My face squints, and the grip on the phone tightens.
Shit
My eyes jump back towards the house and now there is no light
The street has gone back to its natural state, I'm the one now breaking the silence.
My body lurches forward and I run, no, sprint to the front door.
The keys has found its way to my hand and my phone has found its way back to my pocket
My footsteps echo throughout the street and the front door is now within my reach
The keys fits easily into the locks, one by one, clicking at each lock mechanically opening under my force
There are 4 locks and only I control when they are or aren't locked
The keys always stay with me
I swing the door open, my legs are the first to enter. My hands second. They search for the light switch, on only mere seconds ago
My fingers motion downwards, the warmth from the light fills the room, again. I'm inside now, only furniture and paintings are outlined
It smells
My house has been disturbed. The air feels different, my nostrils wrinkle, the carpet. The carpet...
The carpet has been disturbed
I see now what's changed
There is blood, fresh blood. It has seeped into the carpet, there is a pattern which indicates rushed movement.
The blood finds its way to the front door, and then back into the hallway, to the darkness that invades my house
I hear nothing, the house stands still.
I need to make the first move
One foot in front of another, I slowly bring myself forward, following the tainted blood
I am now at the staircase, another light goes one, by my hands.
They've gone back.
She's gone back.
I can hear the footsteps in the distant. Bare feet against concrete. She can't be that stupid
I know she's been up here, she knows I know, she left a mess
I slowly slams my feet down the stairs, creating sudden bangs echoing off the walls, leaning into theatrics.
I have time
I can hear her now, sobs that are trying to be silenced, I can now see small drops splaying the floor next to the blood
Tears
Poor thing, she is the one that doesn't have time
My feet reach the bottom and it is cold, I'm familiar with my surroundings
My eyes haven't left the blood
I exhale confidence, I know I will be the one walking up those stairs later tonight
I glide towards the edge of the wall, the trail turns towards the corner
I tense, my hands ball up into a fist, my legs begging to be used.
I jump past the wall and leap towards... nothing
My body now relaxing but my mind racing
The blood leads here but I don't see her, I don't see anyone
I don't see it but I feel it, I see stars and my legs collapse to the ground, my mind slowing
The sound of wood drops onto the concrete, dragging me out of my haze but not removing me from it
It echoes and another sound accompanies it
Running footsteps, away from me and up the staircase
My hand reaches out to the wall for support, my body works its way up and then collapses to the ground
My head slumps towards my folded legs, blood drips from my head
My hand reaches the side of my head and it feels cold, it starts to leak down past my face and to the ground now.
Joining the many victims whose blood painted the walls and grounds
My phone has fallen out of my pocket and sits awkwardly touching the floor.
It vibrates again
The alarm system activates after there is movement in the hallway
She must be running to the front door, I can hear it
I was careless again.
I left the front door open. She won't get another opportunity like this
She has gone into the night, this I know.
This is what I get. So much for being methodical
I give myself some time, I need it
I have to gather my thoughts
I slowly start to get up, swaying to the exit
My gaze blurs and I stumble up the stairs
The front door eventually enters my view
No loud footsteps this time
I can hear the jangle of my keys, my car keys.
My eyes lock to the car outside just barely in view
I gain momentum, ignoring her and the blood. My mind set
I leave the light on, I'll be back
I slam the front door shut, my car door now opening
My body fits into the car sloppily, my legs bang against the car and my head aches. the keys eventually find the ignition and I turn my hand
the engine roars, the car lights now beam into the empty street.
I can see my surroundings well, just not her
But she can see me, the curtains are still drawn. The lights inside tell me that.
But it also tells me that the curtains have been disturbed
There is a crease, I see what's causing it
A shadow has pushed the curtain aside and faces my direction
Her eyes are set one me
They watch me as I watched her many months ago
I tense up again and feel my legs ready to spring up.
But my ears tell me not to before I can move
I can hear it now
Sirens
I left my phone inside. With her.
She tricked me
There is nothing else to do but move the car
I bring my foot down, hovering over the accelerator
I look back up and there is no crease
The curtains back to their normal state
She has won
Muscle memory takes over and my foot presses down
We, the car and I, go forward and gain speed
The house coming out of view, but the sirens getting closer
She told them what she saw over the phone, they know I won't be coming back, and I now realise that
My foot presses down even harder, the trees to my sides coming in and out of view
The car rattles against the wind, now putting pressure against my foot
This is how I’ve come so familiar with this motion, I’m usually angled towards someone by now, but it’s just the empty road. For now.
I now know what I have to do
My foot goes down even harder, my hands angle towards the right
I unbuckle the seatbelt, I usually leave it on here
I see where the finish line is
A big, oak tree. It's been here longer than me, they usually are.
And here I am, destroying a piece of history. All for my needs, I’m okay with that.
This is selfish, I know It is
But I'm not getting out of here alive, that I now know.
My ears are the first to jolt me, again
Clutters, muttering, and pain
Pain swallows me whole, it comes in waves and leaves me there for too long
My right arm, it's cold. Colder than my body
I move it, try to.
It gets caught and brought back to its position.
I am not in control
My eyes slowly rise, no more darkness
Blood, marks, bandages, IV drips. It's all here
My eyes slowly linger towards my right arm, cold handcuffs keep me linked to the hospital bed
In front of the bed, a police officer dominated the room
I'm not moving and neither is he
Shit