u/AJ_Burkhart

Am I allowed to post revisions? I don't see anything against it in the sticky, but I never see people doing this so I wasn't sure.

If you don't mind, I'm back with Lucian's revised chapter. Still not sure if Henry's Chapter 1 will be a prologue, sprinkled-in flashbacks, or stay as is, so I'm focusing on this one right now.

I'd just like to know if I'm on the right track, or if I'm creating new problems while trying to fix the old ones. Story here.

Anyone who has read Chapter 1 or Chapter 2's first draft, your prior knowledge would be most welcome. And anyone who hasn't read any of it, tell me what you see with your fresh eyes.

My biggest questions are:

1. Does Lucian feel like a confident, curious, slightly impudent 10-yr-old?

2. Does the world feel vivid? Were there places it felt too vague?

3. Is the POV consistent?

4. Do the action sequences flow naturally?

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Crit: [2326]

Story

If you could all bless me with some more of your cutting honesty, I'd be so grateful. If you want to read the first chapter it's here, but you won't miss much if you don't. It's a new POV.

Crit: 1378 608 961

Chapter 1

This is the first chapter of my completed novel, and though I don't like calling it "Fantasy", I think it technically is, it just doesn't have magic or supernatural elements.

What I'd like to know most is: Are you left wanting more? Is the dialogue between Henry and Lucian believable? Is it too slow or boring?

And should this be a prologue? The story follows Lucian, not Henry, so I considered making this a prologue rather than chapter 1. It's also much longer than other chapters. This is all relevant info later in the story, so I don't want it cut or skipped if I can help it.

But also if you want just rip it apart, that would be great, too. My mom said she loved the whole novel, but I need someone to give it to me straight. She's my mom. She's supposed to like it.

And sorry if there are weird formatting problems. Pasting from Word to Docs wasn't as easy as I thought it would be.