I want some explications from experts
I have a pretty bad life, my whole life i was more sad than happy. I grow up in a f*cked up family with an absent father. In my childhood i used to cry a lot and have tantrums that scared the kids, i wanted to have friends and be liked but also i wasnt a good talker, i was victim of bully, i was very peaceful but people perceived me as weak and bully me, i had some kind of persecution complex but also i feel very deep feelings of guilt towards my reactions, i am afraid of people and i get all things personally, i avoid to talk to people, i dont want nobody to see me, i mask myself althought i only feel the need to be accepted by someone as i am without forcing myself, nobody likes me for who i am...i dont like the feeling of being observed and judged, i am very shy in front of strangers but when i feel confortabile with people i express my anger very quickly. When i was kid i used to expressed my thoughts very honest instinctively and always asked why people dont like me, i think they considered me insensibile but i didnt understand why, because im honest, i learned that honesty is a sign of weakness, people dont like that because they perceived it as rudeness, i felt very guilty because of that too.
When i love someone i get very obsessed but shy and im afraid to express myself because of the rejection or im afraid of being manipulated because i was getting manipulated in the childhood. Girls are feeling that in me and dont trust me.
Later, people considered me weak and slow because i wasnt paying interest in anything on my surroundings, i always preferred to talk only when i was asked, of If i talk i want to be somewhere private, i consider privacy very important in relationships and for myself also, i treat my privacy like something crucial, but often people consider my behaviours shady, but i only like to be alone covered with my thoughts ...i am also coward and afraid of talking and opening with people If im not 100% sure that they will accept me...that makes people think that im weak and not interested, but in my head i care a lot and im very obsessed with people. I try to be chill in front of people because If i show that i care about ppl, they will consider me childish or obsessed and they will reject me...i fear rejection a lot!
I have chronic insomnia and ocd and i am very melancolic, in my teen era i was very stubborn..i wanted to escape from my parents and be accepted by someone, i didnt felt accepted even by my parents, even if they maintained me. Im pretty lazy also and get very stressed when i need to force myself do everything, my only motivation is if i like something, If i dont like something at a state of desperation i dont bother at all.
I rejected my sexuality, like i dont feel ok to express it, when i hear about anything sexual i become nervous, i dont like promoscuity, i refused to have sex with girls i liked because i wanted to show them that im not like other boys and i dont like them only for sexual pleasure..i wanted to be empathetic towards woman and understand their tragedy, but they treated me like shit after that...when im in love with a woman i censor my sexual thoughts a lot because i fell very guilty, althought my sexual energy was very high and in my childhood i've practiced masturbation a lot and i was very impulsive, another source of guilt..and i had fetishes, very weird thoughts, but i wanted to reject that thoughts completely, i fell guilty even when im thinking about a person sexually, i dont like to masturbate thinking of girls, i fell shame after. That censorship gave me a feeling of frustration and emptiness...
I fell
I also tented to be very clingy with people i like, even if they were boys or girls, i tend to cling to them even thought i dont fell the need to talk with them, im getting attached very quick and i lean my identity to them..like my friends, my girl became my whole identity, but people dont like this and often i receive cold treatments, i learned that people dont want to be distrubed and that my presence bothers people. Because of that mentality from the past, i sabotaged a lot of relations.
A couple of people told me that i tend to be romantic and idealistic, but more in a negative way, like cynical.
Maybe that s because of cancer moon and ascendent? Or the 4th house stellium, or my libra influences? I am also an October scorpio so idk if the influences of scorpio are very strong. I Heard that scorpio and cancer in a chart cancel each others tendencies. Also my ascendent is very close to Leo, and as i said i am pretty stubborn and i get frustrated out of ego often, but i dont express that. Like there is a part of me that loves being right even If that makes people suffering and there is a part of me that feels everything and makes me feel guilty and bad. There are conflicts here and idk why. Also my 4th house is in libra but i heard that the house place is in cancer so i dont understand. Also i have Venus in scorpio but my sexual life is not that rich...idk.
I also like to discover hidden things, like i dont pay attention to things that are obvious to the point that they are not obvious anymore:))) it s like when i see what s behind the mask i dont see the mask at all.
i used to have interest in esoterism and learning hidden ways to evolve and reach superior states but im also stuck here with ego frustrations and false attachements...i am curious but i am afraid to ask questions because people will see that i dont know things..and dont like that.
It is obvious that im also an overthinker:))
So what can you say