[HR] Remember
6-2-2026
My therapist says I should start a journal, and honestly at this point it doesn’t sound like a terrible idea. She thinks that I’ve been overwhelmed with everything going on in my life, and that writing things down will help me process it all. I hope so.
I forgot Jason’s name at work today. One of the managers, who I’ve known for at least two years now. He’s a nice guy, it’s not like I have anything against him. We work at a theater, and he just wanted to buy a ticket from me. I had to put his name on his order, and I totally blanked. Not even just his last name, but his first name too. I could feel my face burning red, and I just stood there, staring at the keyboard.
Eventually, he muttered it- Jason. Jason. I know his name is Jason. How could I not? I work with him pretty much every day. It’s not like we’re best friends, but he’s a good guy. He totally covered for me last week when I mixed up my schedule and missed a shift, he just told everyone he let me have the day off. I’ve liked having him as a manager for the last few years.
I’ve never done anything like that before. I mean, I’ve gotten high and forgotten the names of my friend’s friends who were just introduced to me, but I was totally sober this time. I just don’t know.
My therapist says it was probably just a combination of anxiety and life stress. I’ve had a lot going on with my dad, and that kind of thing can mess with your memory. Maybe she’s right.
6-3-2026
About a week ago, I got a text from my dad saying that he was gonna be stopping chemo and entering hospice. He’s had lymphoma for years now, and over the last couple of months it’s been progressing a lot faster. I can’t say that the idea of his cancer killing him never occurred to me, but it was still a shock to find out that it’s actually happening. He told me that he’s made his peace with it, but I don’t know if I fully believe him. How could you make peace with losing literally everything?
My parents have been divorced for years, and since the split I haven’t seen my dad nearly as often as I see my mom. I love him, but I’ve been pretty satisfied with getting dinner with him once every few months. I never used to question our relationship. But now, I feel like I’m running out of time to fix things. I want him to know that I love him before he goes. The doctors told him that he only has a couple weeks at most.
It’s just weird that he’s dying. On one hand, I want him to have as much time as possible, but on the other hand I just want this to be over. For both of our sakes. It’s just this constant limbo where he’s here for now, but he could suddenly be gone at any moment. Every time my phone rings, I wonder if this is it. It’s torture. I wonder how it must feel for him. I hope when I die, it's completely sudden and unexpected. I’d rather just rip the bandaid off. It seems easier for everyone that way.
6-4-2026
I don’t feel like writing today. I don’t feel like doing anything. I’ve barely been eating. It’s easy to forget stuff like that. I keep reading the text from my dad, and it keeps hitting me over and over again. It’s like I almost forget, then suddenly something will remind me. It doesn’t seem like anyone else is taking this as hard as I am.
6-5-2026
It was nice out today. The last couple of days since my dad stopped treatment have been rough, but I'm managing. I saw him earlier today. I went over to his house to grab some paperwork, just my birth certificate and stuff. He couldn’t even get out of bed. He’d been waiting all day for my stepmom to get home and bring him a glass of water. I was kind of afraid to see him, but it was nice to be able to help him, even in a small way. I wish there was more I could do.
Even with how sick he is, he still seemed pretty much like himself. I wish I knew how long he has left. He doesn’t seem like he only has days, but he also doesn’t seem like a man who’s gonna make it to a hundred. His birthday is coming up on the 12th. I hope he at least makes it until then. I'm not sure if I should get him a present or not. I don’t know what he would even want at this point, other than maybe to not die. I can’t exactly get him that. Maybe a comfy sweatshirt.
6-6-2026
I was a couple hours late to work today. I totally forgot to set an alarm. My boss, Erin, was pretty understanding, but I think that’s only because of what’s been happening with my dad. It’s always so awkward walking in late to work. You can feel everyone staring at you, and you know they’re annoyed that they’ve been doing your job while you were at home sleeping. I couldn’t even remember to bring my stupid badge, so I had to get someone to come let me in. It was a rough day.
6-7-2026
I really need a haircut. It’s getting super shaggy, and it’s making me feel gross. I’ve had plenty of time, but I just keep forgetting to schedule it. I’ll try to get it done tomorrow.
6-8-2026
I was late to work today. Again. I swear I need to start setting an alarm reminding me to set my alarm. The whole “dying dad” thing is only gonna take me so far. I wish I could take a leave of absence until all of this is over, but I can’t afford that shit. It’s not like I’d use the extra time to hang out with him. I’m too awkward for that. I just don’t know what I would talk to him about anymore. I can’t exactly talk about plans for the future, because he probably isn’t gonna be there for them. I definitely don’t want to talk about the fact that he’s dying of cancer. I’m sure he doesn’t either.
6-9-2026
I saw my therapist today. I told her about how I’ve been feeling, and she says that I’m experiencing what's called anticipatory grief. It’s basically when you know you’re gonna lose someone, so you start mourning ahead of time. She said everything I’m going through is normal. The depression, the forgetfulness, the feeling that my world is coming to an end. It’s all just part of the process. I just need to appreciate the time I have left with my dad, and stop worrying about what it’ll be like when he’s gone. His birthday is in a few days. If everything goes well, I’ll see him then. We were gonna have a movie night if he’s feeling up to it.
6-11-2026
I’m feeling good today. It’s hard to remember what I’ve even been so down about lately. It was super nice out too, so I went for a little walk. I think the sun is good for me. I have a few days off work now, so that’ll be nice. I could use a break. It seems like it’s getting harder and harder to get through the work day. I keep making stupid mistakes, like selling people tickets to the wrong show, or putting orders under the wrong person’s account. Maybe having a few days off will clear my head.
6-12-2026
I haven’t done anything today except get way too high and watch Yellow Submarine for maybe the 8th time. It’s kind of a comfort movie for me. My dad is a big fan of it, he’s the one who introduced me to the Beatles. I’ve been thinking about him a lot today for some reason. I hope he’s doing alright. We haven’t really talked in a while. My parents split years ago, and ever since I’ve been a lot closer with my mom than with my dad. He remarried, though, so it’s not like he’s completely alone. His new wife is nice enough, but she’s just not really my kind of person. I’m glad he has someone to grow old with at least.
6-13-2026
I don’t know what to say. I got a call from my stepmom, and she told me that my dad died around 5 am this morning. I didn’t even know he was sick. I don’t understand what happened. I never got the chance to say goodbye. I haven’t seen him for months. How could he be gone? Everyone says that when you die, you go to a better place. I don’t know if that’s true. It feels like he’s just gone forever. It feels like a part of me is gone too.
6-16-2026
My therapist thinks I should see a neurologist. I told her how suddenly my dad died, and she seemed kind of confused. She said that at my last couple of visits, I’d talked about how my dad was on hospice, and how I didn’t think he had much time left. I’m getting kind of worried. All I remember is talking to her about general work and life stuff. I don’t know how I could forget something like that. I’m worried that it might be the weed. Everyone says that it can mess with your memory, and I have been smoking almost daily for a good few years now. I’m thinking it’s time to try and quit. Maybe that’ll fix whatever’s wrong with me, and I won’t even need the neurologist. I just wish there was a way to unwind that doesn’t involve frying my braincells or giving me lung cancer.
6-17-2026
My dad’s wake was today. It was super weird. I’ve never understood the point of the open casket. I already know he’s dead, they don’t need to rub it in. A bunch of people came to town for it, but I didn’t really know anyone, and I didn’t really feel like talking to anyone anyway. I mainly just sat and drank coffee, and watched the slideshow of pictures of him. There were a few with me in it, but mainly it was a lot of people I’ve never seen before. I never knew he had so many friends.
Outside the viewing room, there was a guestbook you could sign, and a little basket of those black “Remember” bracelets. I took a bracelet, and signed the book. I didn’t recognize a single name other than my own. I would’ve thought some of my relatives would’ve come, but I guess everyone was too busy. Maybe they’ll be more of them at the funeral. It’d be nice to see a familiar face. I feel like I haven’t talked to a single person I know in forever.
6-18-2026
I woke up at one in the afternoon today to about 20 missed calls from my stepmom, and even more texts. Apparently my dad’s funeral was this morning, and I totally missed it. I was supposed to be a pallbearer, so they had to get one of my cousins to do it. I feel like such an asshole. It was my last chance to say goodbye to my dad, and I blew it. All I have left of him is the stupid bracelet. I’ve been wearing it nonstop since I got it. I need the message. “Remember”. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me. I guess I really should see that neurologist.
6-24-2026
For the last few days, I’ve been getting texts from someone named Erin asking if I’m ok, and if I'm ever coming back. Whoever she is, she keeps saying that she’s not mad, just worried. I guess it’s nice to know that someone is worrying about me, but really I’m fine. Just today, she texted me asking me to meet her in-person. She said this was my last chance. I finally just texted back that I don’t know who she is, and if she would please stop texting me all the time. Then I blocked her number, in case she got all mad. I don’t need to hear it.
6-29-2026
I saw some kind of doctor today. She was nice. She did some scans, and said that everything looks good. She almost seemed confused that my brain looks normal. I’m not sure why it wouldn’t. She really wanted to do more tests, but I said that I don’t think I need them. I feel better than I have in weeks. It was such a beautiful day today.
7-1-2026
I’ve been wearing this bracelet lately. It's black, and it says “Remember”. I wish I knew what it is that I’m supposed to be remembering. Maybe it’s a reminder to finally text my dad for once. Ever since my parents split last year, I haven't really talked to him much. I think his birthday is coming up soon. Maybe we’ll see each other then.
7-4-2026
I found this journal today. Whoever wrote it seems nice. I hope whoever they are, that they’re doing alright.