u/Adenidc

My depressive phases are getting worse, which I didn't think possible before. I'm on medication now, finally, and I think they are helping, as lately I've been more worried and active about getting my life, habits, eating, sleeping in order, been a more "productive" human, but inside I am worse than dead, I am actively hurting. Every day is horrible, and every day I try to recontextualize things like work, working out, studying and reading, socializing, see them as healthy, good for me, directions toward a better life, but every day it is just struggle and effort on top of pain: My default mode is so bad, and all those things I listed are Effort. Effort I just don't have anymore. I wanted to die years ago but I'm still. Fucking. Here. and every day is miserable. I don't feel like it's a choice anymore.

I'm seeing my first behavioral therapist soon, looking for the best in that, am optimistic. I'm seeing my psychiatrist again too, hoping we can adjust my medication to make me even more functional, am optimistic about that as well. But when I simulate what my life will likely be like in the future, good doctors and medication and habits and all, I see nothing but pain on top of pain.

My philosophy lately has been to accept that everything will be pain, accept a state of pain, and just try to make the pain less where I can; also to just try being in a state of choice less awareness when I'm not working or need to use my brain: not exactly happy but definitely not suffering. But it's just not working. Every day sucks. I hate being this depressed because it's just so USELESS, and I can't sleep for shit so I always want to smoke or drink or eat when I'm not active (been better about these too, have mostly quit alcohol). I'm like a ball of energy with zero motivation - it feels like a fucking mess. And the thing is, this is me! It's just fucking me. I've always been like this, and I think I'll always be uncomfortable. It's baffling to me that some people wake up Ok - I literally can't imagine.

Just venting. Just tired and have no void to shout into.

I just started Language Transfer's French lessons and since it's all spoken I'm using Google Translate as I go along (and the extra effort seems to help me remember things).

I figure there will be some mistakes, but one thing I'm curious about is why "do you want" is "voulez-vous" on Google but in Language Transfer he's teaching it as "toi voux". (So "Do you want to reserve something?" is "Voulez-vous reserver quelque chose" on Google but "Toi veux reserver quelque chose" on Language Transfer.)

Some guy got a sick scar/tattoo thing from F&H, marked it as NSFW, got a bunch of views, and mods removed it. Why? I see borderline porn here all the time that doesn't get removed, bloody art that doesn't get removed, and the whole game is about getting sodomized by big monster cocks - why the fuck would mods remove an interesting post with unique art relevant to the game.

Boo.

A little more than two weeks ago I started four medications. Three of them can cause mania, so lo and behold I'm manic. I am barely sleeping despite having trazodone and seroquel. But beyond that, I have been feeling something bodily that I have never felt before, even when manic, that I have no clue how to describe. As best as I can explain, I feel unbelievably uncomfortable. I can't sit still AT ALL; this is pretty normal for me, anxiety and not being able to rest, but never ever like this. I feel like my body is constantly vibrating, and if I let myself sit still I feel such an unbelievable sense of dread, as if I'm in a waking hell and there's no rest available. Sleeping has been a nightmare and waking has been a nightmare. Has anyone experienced such a feeling of unrest on medication before?

Has anyone been on this combination? I think it's been about a week since I started, and I think I might be manic because I'm sleeping 5 or less hours a night and have agitated and elevation behaviors - which would make sense since like 3 of these can cause mania, so I'm wondering why he didn't address this knowing about the bipolar, I'm wondering what to expect from this combination, if they will prevent the mental dive after this episode is over, I'm wondering if this combo will stabilize my mood.

I stopped taking seroquel (my request) and he started me on trazodone for sleep, but it has done nothing for me. I miss the sleep seroquel brought but I don't miss everything else it brought.

If anyone has been on a similar combo I would love to hear experiences. I've been on zoloft a lot, wellbutrin a little, and abilify and trazodone not at all until recently.

I recently moved to a pretty busy area and the amount of people I see walking their dog in 90°+ weather is INSANE. Their dogs always look like they are dying, barely keeping up, panting an unhealthy amount, and any time I try to tell someone it's dangerous to be walking their dog at this time they just say HE'S FINE (he is NOT fine, he is getting heat stroke).

This is straight up animal abuse and more of y'all need to be aware of this. I know most people do it out of ignorance and not malice but you are an adult and you have full control over when your dog walks. 90 degree weather - even 80 - is extremely dangerous to dogs as their resting temp is lower than humans, and they have fur coats, and their paws get burned.

I meant higher* not lower

STOP KILLING YOUR DOGS FELLOW FLORIDIANS.

Lol at all the people upset at me for saying not to walk your dog in peak Florida heat. You're shit dog owners and frying your dog's bodies, minds, and feet. Do better - engage with your dogs in new ways when walking times are dangerous.

Recently one of my friends has been trying to get in touch with me. Well, I don't want to get in touch with them; on top of depression killing my enthusiasm for life, I just don't really enjoy being around them as a person, mostly hung out with before since we've been friends forever and because I'm just a social animal at the end of the day. Well after the fifth or tenth call I just texted them that I'm more depressed than I've ever been and I just can't hang out right now: the truth, but not the whole truth. The whole truth is I just dont think I want to be friends at all anymore.

Well recently I reached out to someone I thought was one of my best friends. We've been through more together in the last ten years than I have with pretty much anyone, but we haven't talked much this last year because they have been going through their own serious depression for the first time, and they just never reach out to me unless I reach out first. Well recently I've been reaching out first, trying to make amends, trying to be friends again, and they have been so dodgy while not actually saying they don't want to talk. Well today I got hit with the *I can't talk because I'm too depressed, take care.* And it hit me: just like how I don't want to talk to my friend anymore but am too chickenshit to say that outright, instead giving a half-truth about depression zapping any sociality I have, my other friend is doing the same exact thing to me. They want nothing to do with me but don't want to say that outright.

And here I am angry, upset, thinking about how unfair it is that we've been through so much and said we'd always be there for each other, yet now they want nothing to do with me but are too chickenshit to say so outright. And here I did the same exact thing to my other friend.

I guess it comes back around.

I am so lonely and wish I had actual friends. But all my "best" friends want nothing to do with me. And who the fuck can blame them lol.

I've spent more than 10 years suicidally depressed and it has changed me in ways I don't think recoverable.

Lately I have been genuinely trying to get my life together, I'm taking medication and studying for my GED and exercising semi-regularly and reading and listening to books, but holy fuck I just feel terrible. Every day I wake up in hell. I don't know if my body will ever actually catch up to my mind or be in sync; in my mind I know what I want, I know what's good for me, I know what I need to do... but there is something corrupt deep down in my biology that I think I'm realizing is never going to change. I'm realizing that if I don't commit suicide I'm just going to have to keep doing things that I know I "need" but there will always be a part of me that hates hates hates HATES being alive. I keep hoping that by doing healthy activities my mind, my predictions, my memories, my mode of thought will adjust. I know it makes sense that I am miserable, because I've spent the last half of my life miserable, and our bodies and minds just relive what they expect/predict, and my whole expectations and predictions of life are misery and disappointment and tiredness and pain. I know that if I make new memories, do good things, my everyday expectations, and thus life, will change. But I just don't actually believe this is true, I think. I think a part of me is always going to want to die.

And what kind of fucking life is that?

I'm using Get Sum Math YouTube videos - is this all I need?

Also I keep running into problems that I just have to skip even though I want to understand them. For example, in his second video, 9 mins, the equation is: What is the solution set for this equation? [Equation idk how to type.] He then says I can use the Table button on the calculator that gives you a "y=", yet when I hit it on my calculator app (the one that has Calculator 30 and 34) I either get "f(" or "f(x)=". Small things like this I'm not learning, but I assume it's best to just move on and come back to it later.

I guess my question mainly is is what I'm doing the best free way to be studying for math? I'm just following the YouTube videos and using a calculator app and trying to solve the answers before he explains them, then listening to/writing down the equations and explanations I don't understand.

I'm on spectrum and the wifi connection has been terrible: my phone wifi always drops even one room over, and two rooms over (still like less than 20 ft away) it constantly drops on my PS4 when I watch YouTube and such.

I figured I need a Wi-Fi extender, but I called spectrum support anyways to see if it was something they could fix. One of the things the lady on the phone said she did was fix something out of alignment, I don't remember exactly what she said, just that something was out of alignment. But then she said the connection to my PS4 is still weak and I'll have to get an extender. However, since the call, my wifi to my PS4 has been perfect, no dropping, no quality change.

Wtf did she do?

Connection on my phone is also great, anywhere in my house (before it was awful).

I'm on spectrum and the wifi connection has been terrible: my phone wifi always drops even one room over, and two rooms over (still like less than 20 ft away) it constantly drops on my PS4 when I watch YouTube and such.

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I figured I need a Wi-Fi extender, but I called spectrum support anyways to see if it was something they could fix. One of the things the lady on the phone said she did was fix something out of alignment, I don't remember exactly what she said, just that something was out of alignment. But then she said the connection to my PS4 is still weak and I'll have to get an extender. However, since the call, my wifi to my PS4 has been perfect, no dropping, no quality change.

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Wtf did she do?

Recently I bought a pretty expensive hat because I needed a new hat and I have bought a hat from the website before. Well the hat looks amazing, however it smells like chemicals. I assume this is not good to wear on my head where I'll be sweating? I assume this smell comes from the fact that it's "washed"/"vintage-washed" - is this normal? I've never had a hat I needed to wash before but I'm thinking I should probably hand wash this hat even though it's new.

The website also says "spot clean only." So I'm not supposed to wash the entire hat even though it smells like cancer? It has a bunch of good reviews too, no one mentioning a smell, so I'm curious why my hat smells this way and if it's just normal and not actually a bad chemical smell.

I used to do this in my old neighborhood which was more in the country, and recently I moved to a neighborhood way busier, and I still do it, but sometimes I feel very anxious because of all the people "watching" me. I know people don't look at us anywhere near as much as we think they do (there's a whole psychology term for this), but I've realized it's still something odd enough that people definitely look. I'm wondering if people think what I'm doing is irresponsible and dangerous? (It's not really, I've done it for so long that I still "see" my surroundings in my periphery and almost never trip.) I've stopped doing it as much as I used to because sometimes the anxiety of being seen is just too much; is this something I just need to get over? What would you think if you saw someone doing this?

My sleep has been ruined by Seroquel. At first it made me dependent on it to fall asleep, now it doesn't help me sleep at all. I hate this drug but am taking it so I don't become manic from antidepressants till I see a new psychiatrist at the end of this month; I'm wondering what to expect in terms of what I might be prescribed as a replacement for Seroquel.

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I don't remember the last time I had an actual good night of sleep

I was going to buy a belt online but I'm confused about their size chart. If anyone has gotten a belt from them can you tell me what size you got and what length the belt is? All the belts I own measure around 37 inches in length; I'm usually a size S or XS for all clothes.

Thx for any help!