I’m starting to feel angry with God
Hello everyone, I hope you are all doing well.
I created this account because I honestly feel like I have no one I can really talk to about what I’m going through. I’ve been carrying all of this inside me for a long time, and I think I’ve finally reached a point where I need to let it out. About a year and two months ago, my family and I became homeless, and since then we’ve been living in hotels. It has been one of the hardest periods of my life. By God’s grace, at the right time I was blessed with a good job, and I truly thank Him because I honestly don’t know where we would be today without it. That job has been what’s keeping us alive and helping us survive. But despite having a job, life still feels like an endless cycle of struggling. The financial responsibility mostly falls on me and my mum because my other siblings do not work. As the man of the house, I’ve tried to step up and carry as much as I can because I don’t want my mum carrying all of this burden alone. I’ve tried my best to support my family and hold everything together, but I’m becoming exhausted. I feel drained mentally, emotionally, physically, and financially. I’ve reached a point where sometimes I struggle even with basic things like transportation costs. I work hard, but it feels like all my money disappears before I even get a chance to breathe.
This situation has also opened my eyes about people around me. I have many people around me at church, and I’m not blaming anyone because nobody owes me anything. But difficult situations really show you who is there and who isn’t. Most people know what I’m going through, but I’ve learned to stop expecting anything from people because expectations usually lead to disappointment. The thing is, I never really went to people looking for solutions anyway. From the very beginning, I went straight to God. I brought my problems to Him. I prayed, cried, begged, and asked for the intercession of Pope Kyrillos too. I genuinely believed that God would make a way. Maybe that’s where my struggle is now. I didn’t have expectations from people, but I had a lot of expectations from God. At first, I had hope. I believed things would change soon. But as time passed, my hope slowly started fading, and now I’m struggling with feelings I never thought I’d have. I’ve become angry, confused, and disappointed.
I hate admitting this, but I’ve even become angry with God and Baba Kyrillos, and may God forgive me for saying that. When I read stories about the miracles of Pope Kyrillos, I see people asking and receiving answers, sometimes for things that don’t even seem urgent. Meanwhile, I’ve spent over a year praying and pleading, and I still feel stuck in the same place, maybe even worse than before. How much can one person carry before they start breaking? The thing making this even harder is that I recently applied for a Master’s degree. I truly believe this could change my life and open doors for me. By God’s grace, I even received a scholarship opportunity, and I saw it as hope for a better future. But my Master’s starts in September, and looking at my current life, I honestly don’t think I’ll even be able to do it anymore. Most of my money disappears into hotel expenses and storage costs to store our personal belongings, which leaves me financially drained. I’m basically living paycheck to paycheck and constantly ending up broke. I honestly cannot see how I can survive and focus on studying for an entire year when I’m already struggling just to stay afloat. That’s what hurts the most. It feels like I finally saw a light at the end of the tunnel, and now I’m scared I’ll lose it because of circumstances outside my control.
I’m not writing this because I want pity from anyone. I’m not looking for sympathy. I’m writing because I’m confused. I can’t say God completely ignored me because He didn’t. He gave me a job exactly when I needed one, and I know that was Him. I can see His mercy even in this situation. But I’m struggling to understand why this season hasn’t ended yet. What is the purpose of working so hard every day only to end up in overdraft and struggle until the next payday? Why does it feel like I’m moving nowhere?
Meanwhile, I look around me and see my friends getting engaged, getting married, building stable lives, and moving forward, while I’m here wondering where my family and I will even be living. I’ve listened to sermons where Abunas say to go to God first and place your burdens before Him. That’s exactly what I did. I came to Him first before anyone else. I gave Him everything. Yet here I am, still feeling stuck. My faith feels like it’s being tested in ways I never imagined, and I’m tired. I haven’t completely lost faith because I think a small part of me is still holding on, otherwise I wouldn’t even be writing this. But right now I’m carrying so much pain, frustration, and confusion that I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.
Sorry for the long post. I needed to let it out.