TW: suicide
Throwaway for obvious reasons. Three years have come to an end and my brain has turned to mush. I started with a 6 cgpa at firsr year end and I dropped to 4 sgpa now. It is like my brain has turned to mush and I don't even do weed or drugs. I had an alcohol issue in the firsr year but I quit aftert that.
My brain has turned to mush because I have zero self esteem, zero confidence, and I am dumb af. I was not. Now I am. I can't even speak in class without fumbling and making a fool out of myself. I can't even speak to the professor if another kid is around. I froze when I first and last tried mooting. I had panic attacks. I said wrong things. I couldn't think at the same pace as my peers, I still can't. And I can't focus/do not listen to class anymore. Which is fucking my grades etc too. In my first year, I would do everything like 4 nights prior. Now here I am, submitting at 11:59 and staying up the night before - with brain literally turned off.
I was never able to keep up with my peers. It fucked me up in the very first few months of college and I really don't know how long I can do this. I just make a fool of myself. I can't bring myself to work or do anything. My memory doesn't function properly anymore either. I do not use linkedin or social media, I am not comparing myself to high standards, I just can't do the bare minimum. I struggle to speak, I fumble and I can't think on spot. And all of this has been the case for last three years. It just doesn't get better. Every day, every single day, is a reminder of being stuck at the same point.
I never did ECs after one humiliating experience with mooting. I am not inerning. I do not have internships right now for fourth year. I have no hopes of landing an internship let alone a ppo.
It is not about a job or placement. It is about how stuck I have been. All because of my self esteem and confidence issues. I can't even walk without looking up.
I am in therapy, my parents know about it, they pay for it. They pay for meds too. All of this keeps me alive but I have made zero progress on actually coping with the issues. I just want to leave and never come back. Worst part, I am so loved. I am so, so loved. So many people love me. There is happiness, there is love but I have been in the exact same space since first year - mentally + has gotten worse performance wise. I had zero self esteem zero confidence on my first night at campus (it ran out before sunset), and almost three years later I am still there.
I did not have a poor self esteem before college. I was the MUN kid, the most extroverted kid, always doing ECs. Lots of friends. A partner. Fit and athletic. Perfect kid on paper. This was till June 2023. July, I came here and I couldn't survive one night. I came from a different world where everyone looked up to me, as narcissistic as that sounds. Here, I do not even belong. I do not even belong at the bottom. Here, I am just getting by. Missing classes. Missing exams. Sleeping. Eating. Going out alone and sitting for hours in cafes reading. I just... do not belong in this world