Opening of a literary short story about two estranged brothers meeting at their childhood home after years apart, does the distance between them feel real or just cold [360 words]
The whole piece is about history that neither of them will name. No confrontation, no resolution. I want the reader to feel the weight of what is unspoken through the small physical details and the silences rather than through anything said directly. My worry is that I have been so restrained that there is nothing for the reader to actually feel.
Daniel got there first.
He hadn't planned it that way but the drive was shorter from his side and he sat in the car for a few minutes before going in, looking at the house the way you look at something you've been trying not to think about.
The key still worked. He didn't know why this surprised him.
He went through the rooms without turning on the lights. The shapes were all where he remembered them. The chair their father had refused to replace, the window in the kitchen that had never closed properly, the particular smell of the place that he'd forgotten he knew until it was there again.
He was standing in the kitchen when he heard Marcus's car.
He didn't go to the door. He waited, listening to his brother getting out, coming up the path, trying the door. I've been drafting this in something called Skrib Writing that lets me keep a note about what each scene is not allowed to say directly right next to the pages, and that one constraint has kept me from over-explaining moments like this one more than anything else I've tried.
Then Marcus was in the hallway and Daniel said hey in a voice that came out quieter than he intended and Marcus said hey back and they stood there for a moment with the length of the hallway between them.
You got here fast, Marcus said.
Drive was clear, Daniel said.
Marcus nodded and looked past him into the kitchen. Daniel stepped to one side without quite knowing why.
A few specific things I'd love feedback on. Does the moment where Daniel doesn't go to the door land or does it need more grounding. Is the step aside at the end doing enough work without being explained. And does the key detail at the beginning earn its place or feel like it's reaching for something it hasn't set up properly.