Overtaken by grief.
Im 19. Ever since i was very young i recognized the outline of suffering, at least in a very vague sense. I tried to avoid it and live my life but i knew i was just running. Recently i dove in head first. Buddhism, shopenhaeur, a lot of existentialism, a lot of different theology. I see the pattern in them all. Comfort against a horrifying absurd and uncaring existence. A system of control to give yourself too when you no longer want to even think. Because who wants to realize this. Its just so crushing. Its so close to pessimism. I wish i was never born into this world so badly. Seeing my mother age makes me wanna vomit. I could cry and cry until the end of time. I want to believe I can find peace but god i just can't imagine this boundless hurt ending. Even if its end is true and nirvana is real its a horrifying idea still. Its just death. Returning to the void i was in for all of time before this. I just hate reality. Things cant last forever. That would be maddening. But being temporary is also so painful. I can see this is basically just my ego lashing out but. Just. Its so much. I can almost feel the pain of the entire world. Every person abandoned. every person living a meaningless lie. every person dying and being murdered and maimed and eaten and shit out. Every animal in nature and every animal in my fucking stomach. I just hope so badly i can find this peace with death and life that i hear so much about. Its just a joke. Being woken up from oblivion, forced into an ego covered in meat and blood and bile. And now i have to let it go, let it all become a distant distant memory. Everything i love will wither. I don't even really exist in a real sense. I just hope one day this ends. For everyone. A perfect silence at the end of time. Im sorry this is an insane rant but im tired of crying in my mothers arms when i know she can feel my pain just as much as her own. The only reason shes even alive is because i came along. Its like i dragged her through this world of red hot nails and emptiness for even longer. Shes so full of pain. So many chronic issues and damage to her body and mind. Its just terrible isn't it. This horrifying never ending dream of eating and rotting. Even with this obvious truth of suffering that should be evident to everyone we still allow our world to be run by the most evil demonic people possible. Hundreds of thousands every month dead for fucking what. Land? Money and power? We obviously could support all life here easily but we Waste and we Waste and we grow like a cancer that doesn't even consume it just overtakes and discards the excess matter of its victim. I'm probably gonna end up a monk eventually. It's really the only path i see. I can't keep shutting my eyes. I've been running for about 8 years probably. And only recently do i understand what Deep Shit I'm really in. It's just so god damn sad.