u/AnxiousGourd

I shot a co star today, and basically… I sucked. I know, you might think “I doubt you sucked!” But truly I don’t know what happened to me. I’m generally a solid actor (I think?) and typically get excellent feedback… I was prepared, I’ve done this before… but this was my first audition and booking for TV in over 8 years (been a mom during that time) and with a celebrity. She was lovely but I felt like I was so overwhelmed, overheated (shooting fall in the summer), going super fast… and I just couldn’t even remotely deliver what I’ve consistently done at home practice or my audition. At one point I even teared up. I looked like a novice hack job. I think we got one halfway decent take but I felt people’s disappointment. I’m having a lot of negative talk that’s mostly a version of: “coming back to acting was stupid”, “you’re just a mom now, give this up for good”… to contemplating telling my agent its been a mistake and actually “let’s break the contract” because clearly I can’t do it anymore.

I know it sounds extreme… and I know logically it had been a long time since I did this… 8 years is a lot! I probably should give myself some sort of grace… I’m just basically horrified by the day. I wish my first gig back wasn’t so high stakes but it is what it is. I’m super sad and horrified.

If anyone would be willing to share rough experiences or how you got through it, it would mean a lot to me. 💙❤️‍🩹

Hello! I’ve been a stay at home mom now for about 8 years and IN IT. Neurodivergent kids, running the PTA, driving a minivan in the suburbs… not a ton of mental space for myself or any of my own goals… but I’ve been having the itch to get back to acting professionally… So this year I started self submitting more and with my commercial rep I booked a national commercial- my first time on set since I was pregnant! Then I booked a short play festival- my first time on stage in 10 years! I got new headshots this summer and did an agent mailing with Repunzel and had a meeting 2 hours later, signed 2 days after that. The following week had my first TV audition through the agent, since motherhood, and yesterday I found out I booked it! 🤯 After years being SAG eligible I just joined. I turned 40 last week too, it’s really just been a whirlwind.

I’m absolutely shocked by all of this, and though I know things are very different with the industry and I’m keeping my goals small, I’m feeling excited! Motherhood is truly the most transformative, wonderful, challenging experience and to feel like maybe I’ve still got it has been hugely uplifting. I honestly think I’m a better actor and human after this break away from the industry.

So anyways, I don’t mean this all as a brag but hopefully as encouragement, especially for other moms out there who maybe are in the endless days of diapers and tantrums and snacks. The myth of having it all is a myth, but as the seasons change so does your capacity, and your goals. I know it’s super possible I don’t book again for a while but trying to enjoy the ride as it comes. 🥰