I just want to cry
[sorry for bad english]
I've been fat all my life, ever since I was a child, I've always been the fat one. 2 years ago my health got worse: I was diagnosed with pcos, insulin resistance & hypothyroidism. I had extremely low vitamin D levels, high cholesterol, joint pain, cold hands and feet, hair loss, low iron, extreme fatigue, shallow breath, no libido, irregular periods, candida overgrowth, you name it. I was 40% bf and sedentary. My doctor told me to lose weight and I did. I started taking myo-inositol and began to lose a lot of weight very fast, I wasn't even dieting properly at the beginning. As the weight went down, my health started to improve and my body was able to do things it couldn't do before.
I got down to 48kg and that's when I lost my period (I am 157cm btw). I was doing 15-25k steps a day, intermittent fasting, keto, hiking almost every single day and only eating around 1500 kcal, sometimes much less, sometimes more. I can see why I lost my period but I was ignorant at the time and I just wanted to move my body and feel good. It really feels good to be skinny/normal weight.
I lost even more weight and by January my weight was 44kg. I had no energy, low blood pressure and food noise was crazy so I decided to recover. Got bloodwork done on February and my labs came out good, I had optimal levels of vitamin d , thyroid came out healthy for the first time in my life, great insulin sensitivity, healthy cholesterol, optimal levels of ferritin etc, the only thing that was slightly out of balance was prolactin which was a bit low but my doctor didn't really give an explanation for that and told me I was fine.
I gained almost 3kg and stopped all intentional exercise. I eat mostly carbs and fats, I no longer have food noise, my personality is coming back, I am starting to slowly enjoy life again, I have discharge (it never went away actually) and I even feel "pelvic discomfort" sometimes just like you would when your period is coming, but Idk maybe I'm delusional . I no longer track food. I still deal with low blood pressure every now and then but it's getting better and better.
My emotions are all over the place though, I feel like I'm speedrunning towards obesity, I'm scared of becoming fat all over again and I cry every day. Acoording to my dad's fitness watch I am 29% bf even though I am low weight so it's not like I have no fat on me but Idk how accurate those watches are.
I heard many women had to overshoot their weight in order to get their period back and I cry every time I read those stories because being fat has ruined my life and my health for so long, I don't want to go back! I am especially terrified of becoming insulin resistant again. I don't even know why I'm writing this post tbh, I just can't stop crying. I've been crying for 3 days straight atp and I feel stupid.