Grieving the life I could have had
(26f) Was diagnosed with ADHD and OCPD in 2024, started Vyvanse shortly after.
I was not able to follow along in class before Vyvanse.
I was not able to read a page of a book without distraction/inattention before Vyvanse.
I was not able to be on time or hold myself accountable for anything before Vyvanse.
Had I been diagnosed and treated as a child, maybe I would have been high-performing enough to recieve scholarships, or even go on to college/university at all.
Maybe I wouldn’t have been so hard on myself in the middle school years for beginning to fall behind my peers and failing to understand basic concepts.
Maybe I would have spent fewer nights crying myself to sleep, and questioning why I felt like I didn’t belong in the world.
With all this in mind, I can’t help but grieve not only my childhood, but also the adulthood that I didn’t have the tools to enter.
I wasted years of my late teens to early twenties coasting on an existence fuelled by drugs and alcohol.
Hit rock bottom in 2024, got sober, went to inpatient treatment, met with a psychiatrist, recieved my diagnosis, and started my meds.
For the first time in my life, the clouds parted, and it’s like my brain immediately figured out how to quiet the noise, be punctual, and to focus on priorities.
It has been such a beautiful transformation, that I have cried!
Through all this, I have begun to mourn the person I could have become, had my ADHD been identified earlier on in life.
I have learned that this is a normal sentiment among those of us diagnosed as adults, and that it is important to acknowledge that these feelings are real.
That being said, dwelling on the “what ifs” will not change the past. Over the past few months, I have been working on shifting that negative energy into productivity to make up for lost time before I was medicated.
I don’t want to be asking the same “what ifs” about myself now, 10 years in the future.
Another thing I will note is that I now have a great sense of pride and empathy for my younger self.
She was a young girl who was fighting an invisible battle all day, every day… yet she persevered.
Thanks for reading, friends. Just a gentle reminder to speak to yourself that in ways that you needed to hear in the past. Take care. 🌞🩵