I Broke A Promise
Hello all,
I'm a lurker to this sub but not to Celtic paganism. In the past I've worked with both An Dagda and An Morrigan and in my youth in an attempt to better myself and set boundaries I swore an oath to the Great Queen regarding some habits that I had that I would cease them. I did well for a while, but I broke them. I feel it's necessary to add that shortly after breaking these oaths, unbeknownst to me I was growing a fairly large brain tumor on my pituitary gland that absolutely destroyed my body and my mind. I became a different person with a blood cortisol level of over 90. The disease wrecked my memory so I don't necessarily remember the specifics but I do remember that I betrayed both of them and effectively lied to them. At the time I even denounced my need for any form of spirituality or religion. During the height of my sickness I begged for their guidance and pleaded for nothing more than just the feeling of either of their presence that I had known so deeply before. I received nothing. I moved. I got better. Still during all this time I tried to rekindle my relationship with them both and though I at times I felt that I could feel Her presence it was much darker than before. I've not felt anything since. No connection to nature no connection to the ones that kept me from pulling the trigger. I am so lost and I feel as though I've ruined any of the chances I had at having a meaningful relationship with the Gods and the Earth. I type this a heavy heart. I just don't know what to do.