I get sad everytime i red here
I don't know how to explain my sleeping issues, but they are bad, like really bad... It is very hard for me, and I always feel like I am not far away from just giving up. What I mean by that, I get sad whenever I get on and read here, is that what people say is bothering them is nothing for me. I am really not seeing other people's problems as less important than mine or that they get affected, but it is just like, how fucking bad is my case if even on a sub for people with it and I can't relate? How have I survived this long if my insomnia is so bad, you might think? Yeah, heavy drug use and self-medication were the only things that kept me alive, but this has become very complicated for me now. I recently got issues with police, and they raided my home looking for drugs. I had ordered my meds like I do; I always buy for 3 months, but nothing came, so I got a reship, and that did not come either. After a month, around 10 police show up; they tear through my stuff and take me to the station. I guess the amount they found was enough to think I was dealing or something; I have not had my day in court yet, but I feel like that was what they were out for.
I have been to the doctors over 10 times for my insomnia, telling and begging for help, but I can't get any "real" medication, just antipsychotics that don't even work. I've been in the mental ward three times because I could not take it when I've been sleepless for weeks, and I just want them to knock me out with anything. I have been sober for over 6 months trying to show my doctors that I just want help; I don't care about any drugs that I can buy myself if it was the case. No, they can't or won't do anything. What am I supposed to do? I don't get the help I need when I ask for it, and on top of that, I get punished for taking care of it myself when I've got no other option. I lost so many jobs and girlfriends, missed tons of social events, and canceled trips and plan after plan just because I can't sleep. I have no idea how it can be this bad, and reading here, I can't even relate to anyone else. For me, I have had issues as long as I remember. I have tried explaining to people, but no one understands how bad it is, and I feel like most think I exaggerate, so I stop talking about it IRL.
I am sorry; I don't want to be the one that's like, "Look at me, feel sorry for me," or "I have it much worse than you, blabla." It is not about that at all; it is about life here, like, how am I supposed to keep on living like this? How long until I give up since there seems to be no help to be found? I wish doctors would just trust me a little bit and look into it; all they say is that they will, and then it is forgotten, and I am stuck taking care of it myself again until my life fucks up even more.