sorry i'm tired and don't know how to word the title. i hope it's ok to ask about this stuff and that it isn't perceived as offensive. it's not organised well but the main questions i have are at the end.
i guess i'm looking for some advice from those people, especially in psychology i guess. i've been feeling like giving up lately.
i struggle with some issues, have adhd, and have some visible scars. i feel like a hypocrite (i've been told that i am) for studying psychology. i know a lot of people have their own issues, but i can't stop doubting myself.
even when an instructor shares that they have anxiety (sometimes with the class or with me if i tell them i'm anxious about a presentation), it doesn't really help much because they seem to be able to give lectures just fine. my only strategy for presentations is to try to memorise everything, but even then i might start panicking and forget everything immediately.
i feel like i've never seen a prof or TA fidget or have an anxiety attack while speaking to the class. i never seen them with scars like mine (i don't even know if it's generally acceptable to have them uncovered in academic settings). i'm sure many of them procrastinate but i feel like they at least have some level of organisation and work habits. i'm always either procrastinating, cramming, or burnt out.
i feel like i'm not cut out for anything. my anxiety is so bad that i can't even apply to grad school because i don't anyone to be a reference and i only had 2 RA positions after all this time. i'd like to work on this but at the moment, i don't know if it's worth it. i feel like i don't belong, and i tend to assume no one likes working with me because i'm very sensitive to any perceived rejection.
i don't think i've ever seen anyone similar to me be successful. maybe they just hide it better than i can. nothing i've tried really seems to fix me. it's not like i'm good with people either. i was the "weird kid" and an outcast in my childhood. a psychologist told me i might have autism but i'm hesitant to seek a diagnosis for that because it'd just feel like another thing that is wrong about me.
i want to go to grad school and be a researcher, but i feel like i feel like i can't because i'm too "messed up". i feel that way even with getting counselling and medication. it's been almost a decade since i first started therapy so i feel a bit hopeless. the scars are never going away. i might be able to better manage my symptoms but i'll never be able to"normal". self-esteem is a major issue for me and i'm trying to work on that. i know labs will say they are inclusive and such, but i'm not sure how true that is. i didn't really get that feeling but it's possible i'm too far off from what they're willing to tolerate.
so how do you hide it so well? when do you start feeling like you fit in or deserve where you're at? does it ever cause significant issues with your work? do you disclose it with colleagues/lab supervisors/etc? do labs accommodate in any way? what if the topics i'm interested in might potentially be triggering to me when i'm not doing so well? if you have scars, do you feel pressured to hide them?
i don't know if i'll get any answers or advice but thanks in advance. i have no one to ask about these things. my parents only believe mental illness exists when they can use it to make me feel bad about my career goals, so i don't really have anyone to give me actual advice or guidance (that aren't paid to).