u/Automatic-Type48

FUCK YOU CBSE , so few days ago i got my 12th result and i now i am late here but i am . anyways let me start from my prep . so i knew my prep was not too good but i worked my ass off in last month and was expecting minimum 80 % or above .

on the day of result on 13th i was in my van to go home from my coaching when results were out , my father was with me , we both checked right there while i was being anxious and guess what i got 74 % , my mind couldnt process it and i stayed silent with tears in my eyes whole time while my father received relatives calls and congratulated to everyone who got good scores . he told me it is all fine and i should focus in future , i got home silently and my mother too tried to tell that everything was fine but i couldnt believe them as i never felt this real .

i went to my room and just stared at my results and cried and remembered all those times when i was the topper till 10th and my parents use to proudly show off my results in front of everyone while now i am hiding in my room not wanting to confront anyone .

in evening i somehow got up and went out in kitchen for food and there too my mother was ready and spoke how disappointed she and papa are that everyone in their friend's circle , their children got best scores [ all are from commerce or arts , so i cant relate to them ] , . my cousin say x [ my mother's favorite child in whole world , like i am convinced she loves her more than me ] , she got 96% from arts and i know what was coming . next day my mother posted a big congratulating post about her and tbh it hurted like hell as two years back i was the one on her posts but now i am side kicked like a failure , while my parents are busy appraising other's children .

i came back in my room without any food and slept as i was feeling depressed , . since the day of results i am not fine , i cant eat , cant sleep , that result trauma is not leaving my mind , somehow i tried to push myself and focus on my drop year . but the worst part was still waiting to happen .

so today i got back form coaching and slept like hell for 4 hours as again in coaching i got reminded of my result and was not feeling good . my mother barged in my room and started shouting on me , abusing me verbally for minutes just because i overslept and guess what she said , that i am just failure who is just wasting time in sleeping and social media [ its been days since i have scrolled tbh but who am i to justify myself ] , she thretaned me to take my laptop and phone back , and said " tumhare isiliye number nahi aate , tumne mehnat karri hi nahi " , tahst when i had it enough , i fought mback with whatever energy i was left and told her not to talk about my hardwork or my result ever , i tried to explain her how unfair checking was mostly with sceince students but guess what her ego got hurt as she or her fav. child x dosent belong to science stream and felt offended when i spewed facts , anyways she replied that these are just excuses and ther was no unfairness in arts or commerce and everyone in her friend's circle scored well so how could only be me and i am blaming it on my stream . i have had it enough i just stayed silent and didnt justified myself .

she left and again i cursed my fate to choose this CBSE OR be born in this corrupted country and thought that i could atleast cry in peace but , few minutes later , she came back with my father and they both started lecturing me , when i tried to explain back raising my voice , my father was going to hit me , he threatened as always to not spend his money on my studies and took my laptop and phone away , ...

my parents were always like this , always burdening me with guilt of all their " financial spendings on me " , on every minute fight , my father threatened me whatever he spent on me and how am i a failure till now and how he will not spend on me and will force me to leave my studies .

AND I AM CONVICED , LIETRALLY NO ONE , NOT EVEN PARENTS STAND WITH YOU WHEN YOU ARE FALINING IN SOEMTHING , ITS ALWAYS YOU WHO HAS TO HANDLE EVERYTHING

THIS SITUATION IS GOING WORSE AND WONT BE BETTER , I WONT EVER FORGET THIS RESULT TRAUMA AND THE WAY PEOPLE ABANDONED ME EVER IN MY LIFE , . MAYBE IF I GOT BETTER REULST , MY PARENTS WOULD TREAT ME BETTER , MY MENTAL HEALTH WONT BE RUINED , . FOR EVERYTHING STILL GOING ON IN MY LIFE , I AM BLAMING SLOELYL ON MY FAMILY AND CBSE ...FUCK YOU CBSE , WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME

[ btw my brother somehow got me my laptop back fighting with my parents , so thats how i posted it here if you are wondering , and sry for the spelling mistake i cant really type well virtually ]

so guys this would be my first drop , i wasted my two years in online pw and it was my fault as i cant really stay disciplined so i am gonna take offline coaching but the thing is my father wont let me go outside town to kota or any state and i have allen away from my house around 1.5 hours away ...so would it be worth it if i travel daily to study there

I LITERALLY HATE MY LIFE NOW ....today when i woke up i got my periods and my body was paining and too tired to move so i slept half an hour more but my clothes were stained so i had to i hide it and go downstairs so that no one gets to know ( i live in a very big joint family and having periods here is like a taboo no one wants to talk about or say aloud ...i know it sounds bad but this is only the envoironment i was born into ) .....so after oiling my hair , i went in bathroom to shower and there are some rules in my house like , a girl with periods is not allowed to enter kicthen or pujaghar or touch anyone who is doing puja ...and even touch the water which they use ( its like if i am having periods i will be given separate water to bath and i am not allowed to touch the other water which others will use ......so i somehow showered with it but it was too little for me as i had wash my stained clothes too so i decided to take some water from others as no one will get to know if i take ...i took it and somehow my mother got to know that i touched her HOLY SACRED water , she literally barged in the bathroom not even thinking in what compromising situation i would be , she pulled my hair and hitted my head to wall lietrally for atleast 5 times and beat me horribly while i was bleeding the hell out and my body was paining , like she dosent even have empathy and kept shouting and beating me and humilaiting me in front of whole family ....eveyrone out of bathroom were literally standing and listening and knew what was happening . no one even once spoke to stop or took stand for me . She is a orthodox and all she cares about her praying ..and i am like what kind of blessings does she get from her GOD , when she doesent even have a little empathy or undertstanding for her own daughter . LIKE I JUST TOOK SOME WATER TO WASH OFF MY BLOOD NOT FUCKING MURDERED SOMEONE . and she thinks her GOD will punish me because i polluted her holy moly water and touched her ...........this is not the first time , many times and many means MANY times she have beaten me especially in my periods , few days ago i took a soap it smelled too good without asking her and she literally fucking slapped me for it Infront of everyone and humiliated me saying i dont earn money and i am wasting her husband's hard money by wasting things .....like I HATE HER FROM MY SOUL NOW , when i was a child i use to think hating parents is bad thing so i always suppressed my emotions but not now ,...she is abusive , manipulative ....and always body shames me like my body is not clean and she don't

want to touch me

my father lives out of town and only comes home on weekend due to his postings ....and every time i called him crying of what his wife do to me and he always says to undertsand and be mature as i am the elder one and accept the temper of her ...LIKE WHAT THE FUCK i am just 19 and your wife is much more elder and i am not some punching bag to accept her temper and he loves me and even saved me at times whenever he is present at home but not enough to take my stand against his loving wife ...like why the hell did they have children if they dont even want to listen to them for at least once .

then there is my younger brother who every fucking member in house loves , he have done many mistakes too even many bigger ones ...but i have never seen him beaten or get scolded lby MY MOTHER .....this is funking discrimination and patriarchy still bestowed in my household .....

i want to cut my all contact with my mother i dont even wnat to speak a word to her ever , every time i try to but ends up speaking becaus ei am so pathetic and loser and lose my mind whenver someone just show some basic care for me ...and this is what she does to manipulate me , she will abuse me to hell and then throw SOME BREADCRUMBS IN THE NAME OF CARE and i like pathetic person goes to her back , this is fucking loop i wnat to get out of ....i cant leave my house now but i really want to cut her off , please i need help

and now here i am balling my eyes out , my head and body aching like hell, in my room since two hours while writing this and i cant even enter kitchen to have some food or go out room as i am too humiliated now in fornt of everyone ..and guess what she will do as always ...she will call dad and fucking play innocnet and tell how i am fucking problem in her life crying as if she was the victim everyday of my abuse

also i am really grateful for men who are really understanding and have empathy then a some like narrow minded woman could ever have ...like my brothers doesn't know much about these things or more like they pretend to and stay out of it but they care for me and do whatever they can ..... men are way too understanding and caring even strangers ...in my house .....

OH HOW I HATE BEING BORN AS A GIRL .....!!!!!