u/Automatic-Wash-5302

Need some support / words of wisdom!

TLDR: I’m bonding with our foster; my partner, who’s a first time pet owner, isn’t. I‘m scared and need comfort/encouragement to support both him and the dog who I hope to adopt.

We are fostering a young adult miniature poodle mix, with hopes of adopting. I’ve wanted a dog for a while and my partner is 100% on board — at least with the concept of having a dog. He’s a first time dog owner, from a family that never had pets, whereas I grew up with a family dog and many rescues/ other temporary canine lodgers. That said, he has spent a lot of time with and enjoyed other people’s ~already trained~ dogs.

Our foster is a REALLY good dog all things considered - cuddly, playful, smart. We have received amazing support, including training sessions, from the rescue that pulled him from a shelter. The dog has 0 aggression and you can grab his paws, pick him up, etc. He does have some behavior issues: mouthiness (especially when excited or overtired) and carpet chaos (scratches and bites carpet in a frantic way, again when excited and/or overtired).

The first day was tough - my partner felt immediately in over his head. After meeting with the trainer, my partner started enjoying training and walks with the dog, although he still gets anxious petting or playing with the dog. He is very afraid of the mouthiness and zoomies, even though the dog has a gentle bite / mouth control and is not causing any harm. When the dog goes carpet crazy, I’m comfortable holding the house lead/redirecting him, whereas my partner stays far away and prefers to either obedience train or crate him. I thought that would be fine, until tonight.

I had to work late so my partner had to do a bedtime routine with the dog. It was a hard day for our foster to begin with, as he LOVES company/snuggles and had more crate time than usual. He got really anxious on the night potty walk and was barking at everything (an unusual behavior for him), and then got tons of mouthiness and carpet crazies at home. I rushed back as soon as I could and saw the dog out of control and my partner exhausted. He was doing his best with obedience commands, but the dog really needs redirection and help settling/soothing. Again, my partner is too nervous to get close to the dog in those moments.

I am totally happy being primary caretaker for the dog, however, my partner also wants to have some involvement and made it clear from the start that he wants to have veto if the dog situation isn’t working out for him. I truly believe our current foster is best case scenario (quiet, non shedding, potty trained, trainable adult rescue with some impulse control issues and anxiety). I have tried expressing that “good dogs” don’t just materialize most of the time; they come from love and time and good training.

I want my partner to not always be in “management” mode, but to relax and enjoy our foster. Instead, I see him on edge, even when the dog is being sweet and calm. He doesn’t want to snuggle him or play with him as that requires getting close and risking the mouth, however, snuggle and playtime is when this dog shows his best self and forms attachments.

I want to give my partner his space and respect that he doesn’t have to keep a dog he doesn’t want to have. I also really want this dog and I fear that won’t happen unless they can form a positive bond.

We are 4 weeks into a 2 week foster period; by the end we either adopt or return to the rescue so they can find a permanent home.

How can I do my best to help them bond without becoming too anxious/pushy/controlling? Any words of wisdom? Feeling sad tonight. Thank you so much.