u/Background-Team-3406

I'm having extreme anxiety becuase of a choice I made at my job that I deeply regret.

I'm keeping my exact job and position a bit vague just out of (again) anxiety.

I've been at this job for around four months and the industry I'm in is a small world. I was lucky enough to get a job after graduating school and most of my peers are still job searching.

There are two main types of jobs we can get in this specific company I'm at:

A: Deals with one fixed department/field in depth. You are the only on in charge of your position so there's little to no time for days off. You get to do exactly what you learned in school and get to hone your skills. There are many departments with role As, but each A has to do their own work (no overlap).

B: Covers numerous departments/fields. You have no time to delve into everything in detail so you can't gain as much expertise as role A. You also have to do some extra tasks that isn't appealing and that role A doesn't have to do. There are about 5-6 teammates in total, so it's easier to take a day off. Often helps with role As when they have to much difficult tasks to handle on their own. I'll call this team D-2.

*Regardless of the role, we can work here for a maximum two years.

When I applied for the company, they asked which role I preferred. Back then I didn't know what each entailed, so I chose B. One of the interviewers was a my boss who oversees all roles (but who's own job is role B) and chose me for the job.

As role B, I visited a certain department to help with the role A person there. And my mind was blown because I immediately fell in love with what that department was working on, and started dreaming of working for them.
(I'll call the department "D-3" and the role A there "A-3")
For a long time, the work D-3 does had always been my passion and it felt like I was living the dream. The pressure is immense and I won't get to spend time with my friends or family as much, but the work is so fulfilling.

As luck would have it, A-3 was leaving soon and D-3 needed someone to fill in quickly. The manager there knew how much I loved the work and A-3 even recommened me as the next role A.
Side note: D-3's work is known to be extremely difficult and very demanding. None of my teammates have any interest in D-3.

A-3 went on a well deserved two week trip (didn't take any day offs for a long time) so my boss sent me there to cover for him since he knew how much I enjoyed the work.

My boss had told me that there could be transfers from role B to role A in case someone was leaving, and had my hopes up. I'd already expressed my interest in D-3 to everyone I knew, and one day my manager at D-2 asked how I thought about going to D-3 to which I said I was interested.

But I'd also heard my teammate mention that someone before had asked to be moved to another department (not D-3) to which my manager disliked the person and ended their contract after a year.

So I was scared what my manager would think when I said I wanted to go. He said that he understood my willingness to transfer, but that these issues take ages since HR is involved and I might not be able to go.

I completely understood and was very happy. But after a week, there were no updates and my boss told our team that the company was hiring a new person for vacant A roles including for A-3. I thought that meant I'd never get to go there and was giving up.

But then the manager of D-3 contacted me for a short meetup to ask how things were going. He updated me that he had already sent an email to HR, expressing my willingness to transfer to D-3, and that he hoped I'd be able to come to the department since I knew how things worked there and it was faster than going through another hiring process.

My boss knew I was going to meet the D-3 manager and asked what was discussed. I gave a short summary, and he replied that these matters can't be decided between individuals since HR is involved. My boss was working remotely that day and this was said through text but it felt like my boss was annoyed that the D-3 manager had contacted me seperately and not through him.

That's when my anxiety really kicked in. I was only a fresh hire and I was terrified how my boss would view me. So after agonizing over what to do, I sent an email to my boss explaining that I'd stay loyal to my team since I was initially hired for that position.

My boss thanked me for my decision, but added that as he'd mentioned before, these things take alot of time and that I'd have to wait. I was confused if that meant I still had a chance to move to D-3, but since I was terrified I didn't ask further questions and said I was open to all decisions made by upper management.

Exactly ten minutes after I sent the email, A-3 (soon to leave) came to visit our team at D-2 to thank me for covering for him during his absence. As he was leaving, I got to talk to him alone and he told me he hoped I'd come to D-3...

I wanted to die right there. I realized how much I still yearned for D-3 and I wanted to take everything back. Why had I sent that email? Now that email could be used against me to never transfer me to D-3.

I couldn't concentrate on my work at all and felt so depressed and angry at myself. I'd never fallen in love with a job as much as I had with D-3, and I'd declined the chance when I was right about to get the job.

So I told A-3 that I'd sent the email to my boss as I was afraid of the consequences. He told me he understood the pressure but that I could still try telling my boss that I was still interested in D-3 if I truly wanted to go. He also told me how the new job posting didn't mean the new hire would 100% go to D-3, but could go to another department in need of a recruit.

But I'd heard horror stories online of how people were fired for speaking their honest opinion to their boss. Deep down I want to tell my boss that what I wrote in that email was true (how grateful I am for working at D-2 and how amazing my teammates and boss are) but that I also want to try working at D-3.

But however I put it, I'm afraid it will offend my boss and all he'll see is someone he hired wanting to leave for another department.

I'm also scared how my teammates will view me. They are wonderful people and I'd be terrified if they saw me as arrogant and greedy.

To make things even more complicated, I recently learned my very close peers from school (best friends throughout school) had applied for the new job posting and will have their interview next week. They don't know about this situation and all I could do was wish them luck.

If I say I want to go to D-3, what if they don't get the job because of me? It would be best if they got assigned to the team I'm at (A-3 N and the D-3 manager had said to me), but they'd be confused since the job posting said it was for role A. They might suspect I had something to do with it and I might lose them.

My boss might decide to end my contract after a year or even give me a bad reference check when I move jobs. My entire reputation might be damaged.

Is it worth risking all of it to get the job I want?
But I really do want the job at D-3 becuase I've never felt so happy.

I don't know anyone working corporate jobs so I have nobody to ask about internal transfers. The one friend who I did tell this to said that she thought staying quiet is the way to go at companies. Since the manager of D-3 told HR I wanted to transfer, HR migth contact me.
Or maybe my boss might know that despite the email, I still have thoughts for D-3. If I wait and see, maybe the chance to transfer might come my way. But I am horrible at waiting and wishing for the best without taking action.

I just regret sending that email so much. I can't concentrate, I can't eat or sleep, and I wake up with my heart pounding at 2am becuase I'm so anxious and sad.

How should I tell my boss I still have interest in the transfer?
Even if I don't go, I still want to get my thoughts across just in case HR contacts my boss to ask about me.

I know it's just two years at this company and maybe I should suck it up and find happiness outside of work. But I can't stop thinking about how I felt working at D-3. The absolute joy I felt and how free I felt doing what I genuinely loved.

If I go there, I want to make myself an expert in that field so that I can find the next job related to that area and will have so much to contribute.

Of course, working at my team has its perks, but the drawbacks feel huge. I don't get to become an expert at anything in particular, my boss randomly assigns us to specific tasks each week so I never get to choose what I want to do.
If I don't tell my boss my thoughts on transferring, I have to spend the rest of my two years regretting what could have been had I not been so terrified of the possible consequences.

I'd truly appreciate it if anyone who's worked in corporate could tell me how I should talk to my boss about this.