u/BeneficialWin1937

So basically I have depression. I’ve been diagnosed it with multiple times but my parents are so religious but they refuse to accept it and it hurts. Whenever I talk to my dad about this he plays it off saying I’m a teen and that I shouldn’t even believe i have depression because it’s not possible at my age, I tried to believe that but it just worsened things. It makes me not want to open up because whenever i talk about my issues, it gets brushed off, joked about, or people don’t take time to understand me. I’ve had a few moments where my parents caught me about to self-harm but even after that they still think it’s not real, not even when I began listening to depressing music. It got to a point where I dont’ even know who I am anymore, at school, at home or at church. I just put on a smile and act as the joyful person i always used to be but it’s literally tearing me apart, in fact it’s not helping, but i have to keep this up because no one cares or understands how I truly feel. I cry when im alone in the bathroom and i cry myself to sleep to the point i have headaches. I don’t even know what to do anymore, I’m reaching my breaking point, I was always the perfect child to my dad, I always listened to him, and went above and beyond for him because i wanted to exceed his expectations, but now it’s got too much where i can barley meet his expectations. I went from a top student, and a child who always obeyed him to someone who now ignores him sometimes or someone who tries to listen to him but in the end I don’t because he’s pushing me too hard, no matter how much I try to open up, he just pushes what he wants on me. What’s even worse? Whenever, I try to say I can’t do it he keeps pushing without listening, which makes me try too hard it’s destroying me and now since I can’t reach his expectations he’s somewhat tossed me to the side, drawing a line, telling me until I respect him then he doesn’t want what I give him and that I shouldn’t go to him. And it hurts because I was always so close with him and now I feel like it’s all my fault for what happened between us. My depression began during quarantine, whenever my doctor gave me referrals for therapists my mom would rip the papers, my dad would laugh and say I didn’t need it. And i listened. I listened to them, but now I regret it. I’m a high school junior and with the pressure of all the exams and college applications, i dont even know what to do anymore. I wanna go away for college to see if it’ll help but my parents are forcing me to stay within the city. There’s more to this but that’s it for now. I would like to know your opinions and advice please. Thanks!