Beware of Lovers
So why am I writing this post? To tell you all: beware of lovers more than the haters. Haters will hate you, say bad things about you and if you eventually heed them, it will actually improve you. But lovers, ohh booyyyy... They will break you and in a way that you will always be broken. They might steal your soul and will definitely change you. so beware of lovers.... Okay, I was just telling why to post this?? So let's start from the beginning.
So in my college days, I was charming and intelligent and quite good-looking, and yes, I used to get proposals. Yeah, once in a year only, not like every month ( itna bhi badhiya nhi tha ) but I never wanted to get into relationships and all because I was waiting for someone special who would make me feel loved and cared for, and I was stubborn too due to my crush. So I had a crush on a girl from class 10th, and I never dreamt of anyone else except her because I felt, "Love is not love which alters when alteration it finds.... - Shakespeare"
So my friends were mingling in college, but I was not. So back to the story, after graduation (graduated in Civil ), I switched my career to IT and got an average job. I was good in studies, I got an honors degree in Civil and started DSA in the last year and still cracked 3 campus placements in IT and one off-campus too (yeah, I can say I am slightly above average maybe anywayss..... and yes, after graduation I cleared AFCAT and CPO written too... ). So I joined an MNC and started working and life was good. I started earning a decent amount and was focused on my career but was alone in a new city but life was monotonous. I never left my home even I chose the nearest govt. engg. college so I could be close to my home....
So I was alone and was experiencing loneliness and then I met this girl. I was flirtatious from my college days so I used to flirt a little with her and I DON'T KNOW WHYY BUT I FELL FOR HER EVEN BEFORE WE MET F2F.... I used to get those butterflies in my stomach while talking to her which I never had in my whole life. However I never showed anything ( Apan sakth launde hai itni aasani se nhi pighalte waise pighla chuka the... FAAHHHH...) and when she confessed for the first time that she loved me I said, "I love you as a friend only." And I used to say, "Love is a strong word," and "Love is a word used too much and much too soon... - Charles Bukowski." But I knew I was feeling the same thing for her, and maybe more than what she was feeling. When I used to talk with her, mere ears red ho jaate the, cheeks gulaabi, and I used to blush all the time. I SERIOUSLY DIDN'T KNOW WHY... I had talked to girls earlier too.... used to flirt with girls, but never ever felt anything not even close... but I never expressed myself. There was a bluebird in my heart that wanted to get out but I was too tough for him... (yeah... Charles Bukowski again.. )
So back to the story, we met and went on few dates. We were talking on her terrace, and she suddenly kissed me for the first time (I had never kissed any girl before and that moment... Yeah, it was perfect..... However, I was shivering like heeeelllll.... the boy who never felt anything for anyone was shiveringgg.... Gotttt dammnn.. ). After that kiss I literally sat on the ground just to get my senses back. After all, I loved her and she kissed meeeehhh. We got into a relationship. She said she wanted to marry me and I was like, "Heeell yeaahhh, mee tooo...."
That was the best time of my life. However, I was struggling with my job and career. I transitioned into a new field, but for me career was not the priority. I wanted to make her feel special. So I tried everything to be with her whenever and wherever possible, and yes we were a great couple. And while she was alone for 2 months, we lived together in her flat, and those were and will always be the best times of my life. And yes, she was perfect too. She used to plan candlelight dinners... She never cooked but she used to cook for me, and we used to go shopping together. She used to give me random love letters, like we were sitting in a cafe eating together and she wrote me a lovely letter on a tissue paper with watery eyes and started saying she loved me more than anything else in this world. And I used to collect all of those letters. Once she gave me a Hanuman ji ka locket; I used to wear that all the time and that was the most important thing i even more important then my office laptop. I once lost that in my office, and I checked through all the CCTV footage in the IT room for a whole day to get that locket (Yeaahh FFAAHHHHH.... )
Yeah, that was a great time, and I wanted to grow old and die with her like this, loving and caring for each other..... And yes, I was having a bad time in my life. Actually, I always felt she chose me at my worst, when I was struggling to get a grip on life. I mean, my health had deteriorated. I had lost around 5 kg as I was cooking my own food, started losing hair rapidly, and started getting insecure about myself. and I was earning less, around 50k while my friends were in MAANG and I was giving too much time to my love life and other things, but still I was happy and felt fulfilled and never let anything of these to effect her or our relationship. And she was struggling too in her studies and used to have breakdowns due to her studies, and I always tried to push her and used to say I believed in her...
So we were happily together for about a year, and one day suddenly she said she wanted to go back to her hometown and booked tickets. I thought she was kidding, but she actually did and I was furious.... But she said she wanted to focus on her studies and promised me togetherness. She wrote a long text that day telling me how much she loved me and that she would make sure that we would be together. So with a heavy heart, I accepted it and promised I would visit her hometown every next month and will support her all the time, and we spent a good last week together. She wanted me to go with her, so I accompanied her to her hometown on the train...
After that, everything was well for a few days but after 3 or 4 days her behavior started changing and she started drifting away. We fought within a week after her departure, and she was not talking to me and her behavior was strange so I visited her hometown. And while we were together, we made love too and she had some neck marks. I asked her about that, and she said those were hickeys while laughing and I took it lightly. And I later came to know she was telling the truth. She met a guy within a week, and she slept with him within three days of meeting this new guy, that too in the same room of her house where we were when I visited her hometown. And then the story continues...
I forgave her, but she didn't want to get back with me. I TRIED EVERYTHING TO GET HER BACK (even told this new guy about me they were studied in the same school and had a common friend ). A lot of things happened..... but it will be a long story. But I think it is enough to tell you all why I said beware of lovers!!
I hit rock bottom after she left me. I cried a lot. I never drank alcohol and never smoked but i did while i was in pain. I was not focused, and the past few months were very tough for me. I tried everything, told my brother and then later to my mother about everything, started going to the gym (I always hated going to the gym), started running (completed my 5 km run for the first time), and I am still in my healing phase and idk if i will be able to love someone else in my life....
For the past 3-4 months, we have not been in touch. Yes, I do stalk her and a few months ago she posted a nice video with her new boyfriend ( That same guy ) and I cried but I felt happy for her... she is living happily with her new boyfriend. And i pray for her happiness. But sometimes I think, why to cheat when you can simply breakup....
Note: I make notes for myself on WhatsApp to vent my feelings. I had deleted everything her photos, chats but I found these few today that I attached to this post