Ego dissolution
Experienced ego dissolution last night. I went a little too heavy and the walls (and everything) turned too mushy putty and I melted into the universal consciousness.
The onset was kind of like seeing the exterior of objects like a cellophane veneer, like old school 8mm film. I was cross faded with an indica strain so I laid down and when my consciousness dipped towards sleep I could feel myself separate from my physical self/awareness. The more this occurred it was like I was melting into a white universal sea of light. Like computer code dissolving from the visible program into 1’s and 0’s and then fading away to nothing. I went back and forth for awhile, emerging back into my body and then back down into the sea. Think of those plastic wrap dip pools where they submerge bike parts and they come out painted with whatever weird design from the wrap, except my entire personhood and lived experiences, relationships, and responsibilities where the weird design.
It wasn’t an unpleasant experience although I did have moments of stress when I didn’t know which way to go and whether or not I would return to my life. There was absolutely nothing fearful about going into the sea. I didn’t want to leave my family though and made the intentional decision to stay.
I know that regardless I was going to wake up as myself, but as someone who struggled with s* ideation, this desire to inhabit my life was an important one.
Anyway, the walls are back to normal sheetrock and I’m firmly situated in my physical body. I don’t feel the desire to keep chasing a high that has been driving me.