I would like to formally request that we stop celebrating birthdays in the office.
I do not want a cake. I do not want a card. I do not want to stand in a circle and sing happy birthday to Janet from procurement who I have spoken to four times in my entire career here and three of those were about an invoice.
I will not be attending Mark's 40th. I will not be attending the surprise lunch for Priya. I will not be attending the all-team Friday afternoon at the bar across the street that everyone has decided is a tradition because we did it twice.
I worked from home for five years. I had a life. I had hobbies. I had a standing dinner with two friends every other Thursday and I made it to nintey percent of them. I have made it to maybe four since the mandate hit.
The office takes my time. The office takes my energy. The office takes the hour I used to spend cooking and the hour I used to spend walking. I am not also giving it my fake enthusiasm at a stranger's birthday party at 3 in the afternoon on a Tuesday.
If we ate the cake silently at our desks I would attend.
We do not eat the cake silently at our desks.