This is difficult
I finally found a therapist who is willing to take me in after searching for one a long time.
I am having these extreme mood swings and I’m not doing a good job at regulating myself at all.
Sometimes I feel really really good about myself, sometimes I feel absolutely terrible and hear the voice of my mother telling me this will never change and I will always be alone. And sometimes I get so violent thoughts in order to convince myself I can protect myself at all times and I tell myself I’m all alone in this world.
I have friends and all that but what fucks me up so bad is no matter how much I enjoy the time with them, as soon as it comes time to go home there is this wave of sadness that comes over me. It comes primarily when I go home to an empty apartment or wake up alone in bed.
I feel I have nothing and no one and that this will never change. I will never truly be understood or feel wanted by anyone. And I don’t know what to do about it. I try telling myself that this isn’t true and try to list all the positive aspects of my life but it seems like there is something in the back of my head that, no matter what I say, knows I’m lying.
I feel safe in therapy and start getting a positive outlook on the future but there’s a week between sessions and I’m not sure how to regulate myself in the time during appointments and how to stop myself from spiralling. I read about some methods but it doesn’t seem to work a lot of the time.
Idk I just feel like I need a hug all the time and I don’t know how to handle that feeling.
I just broke up with my avoidant girlfriend because I finally realised I was fawning to an extreme extent and I kept getting triggered in the relationship. But now I feel hopeless.
Any ideas?