i think my “episodes” are actually premonitions
the post might be long, i apologize! it’s a lot to get out.
so i (F) have always had an interest in the paranormal and such, i’ve had dreams about places i’ve never been to before or things that have never happened only to visit said place or said thing happening years later. which i would be happy to go into detail about if interested. but that is not the reason for the post.
its only happened a few times in my life, but i will have these “episodes” where i will be PETRIFIED of death, all i will think about is death and dying, people i love dying, the afterlife and such. but overall, just death. its not the “oh god im going to die one day and so will my loved ones” type of feeling, it’s pure doom and the feeling that death is HERE currently.
theres no warning or nothing that causes them to start, it’s completely random and hits hard and fast. nothing that normally helps like medication, ice baths, etc helps. the only thing that makes me feel even the slightest bit of ease is dirt, and the woods. literally going into nature and shoving my hands and feet into the dirt and just being surrounded by nature is the only thing that helps.
the episodes last less than a week, around 5 days or so. and every time someone close to me or someone i love dies and the episode ends and that’s just it. it’s like it never happened at all and it’s just over.
the first time it happened i was fairly young, so i can’t remember much i just know it was my grandfather. the others are fairly recent so i can go into more detail.
episode 2 happened around 2018? the same routine, nothing triggers it, it happens, i connect with nature to feel better and then someone dies. this time it was my childhood best friend, it was extremely sudden and wasn’t something like lifelong health issues, etc. it was devastating and i miss her a lot, but once again the episode was just over just like that.
episode 3 is currently unfolding, and it happened while grocery shopping early last weekend. during the second day or so of the episode i kept telling my husband that i thought someone was going to die because i swear it’s happened before and this wasn’t anxiety or anything like that. it felt like a warning, or something looming. on day five i slept in, and when i woke up i felt great, completely normal. i kept thinking to myself ‘oh wow yeah that WAS anxiety and just in my head, jeeze.” two hours later my husband called me in hysterics because his grandmother, who was like a mother to him and raised him had passed away earlier in the day suddenly. she had a DNR so they let her go. she was a great woman who raised a great man and she will be missed so, so dearly.
but i cant get it out of my head? i don’t have an explanation for it.
sorry if this is confusing, im sure some of it might be crumbled together so im very happy to clarify any confusion. i just cant make sense of it.