Symptoms shrinking
I did my best to rescue a fledgling today. He did not survive. Selective mutism is an inconvenient consequence. Like a mantra, I panted, “he’s moving, he’s alive, he’s trying…” repeating it like I could speak it into existence forever. I got help from my friends and neighbors about how to feed it, what to feed it… he never lived out of that box after I nabbed him from the stomping feet of college traffic. I saw he could not fly, dehydrated and weak. But he was jumping, pushing, trying to hide and be as unseen as possible before I got it in my head I could save him.
Negative self talk…. I’m catching it. A reason for vocal silence. I haven’t punished myself for my failure to save something so small. I am having ruminating thoughts of madness including spilling my own intestines, letting the noose out, carving my skin, and every way to pull my body to shreds to suffer the way I can only imagine this tiny bird suffered.
Fleeting, this. I can forgive this mistake for now. I’m human and I have to accept I tried and failed, then carry on with my fucking day. I’m dragged down by this disproportionate grief (i failed this creature, the last thing he saw was my horrible face), but I am actively not self harming.
Spravato is allowing a Stoic pause someone as impulsive as myself never learns.
The pros outweigh the cons by an expansive margin.