u/Brandonitis

I want to start off by saying I'm not in active emetophobia recovery, but my phobia is not as bad as it used to be despite still being part of my everyday life and anxiety.

I went through a bad bout of stomach problems a few months ago, mostly better now, but the symptoms of early satiety, nausea, bloating, etc. all really derailed my life for nearly a month. It necessitated a referral for a gastroscopy, which I had to wait some time for between getting on the waiting list and having to reschedule due to life circumstances.
I had months to hem and haw, ruminate on my anxiety about the procedure and whether I'd get nauseous, or gag, or be conscious of the whole thing despite sedation.
I read countless stories of people mostly saying they were nervous but they were out like a light and felt perfectly fine after, that it was a piece of cake. Here and there I'd see one of the horror stories we've probably all read about, but tried to temper myself by saying they were the minority and I'd be just as clueless/comfortable as the majority of people are.
I managed my worries leading up to the procedure honestly, by putting my head in the sand a bit. Not thinking about it. I said that I need to figure out what's going on with my stomach and whatever happens happens, and I was going to be okay no matter what. No sense in worrying about what-ifs.

So when the day came, I was ready. Nervous, and made the correct decision to take 0.5mg lorazepam before showing up at the hospital. It helped but we know how emetophobia goes - gears always turning. I acknowledged the fear and moved on.

I went through all the prep and asking questions just fine. She told me people very rarely get nauseous from the fentanyl used in the procedure (of the 40ish scopes they do a week, only one of those patients is nauseous enough to need an antiemetic). She explained how the whole procedure was going to go start to finish. I was more scared once she did, but acknowledged that fear and moved on too. I waited about 30 minutes between having my IV set up and going into the procedure room. I hugged my partner goodbye, and gathered up all my courage as I got wheeled into the theatre.

I'll admit I almost lost my nerve here and the anxiety really started rearing up (thank god I took the Ativan, I probably would have tapped out then and there otherwise). They put an oxygen nasal cannula in and asked me how I was doing. I said "anxious" very meekly and they tried to reassure me, but I saw my heart rate go berserk. I let it pass and tried to answer questions about symptoms and express my worries. They had me open my mouth for the throat spray; I hesitated, but opened up and let them do it. It was anxiety-inducing as it REALLY numbs the throat so I felt like I couldn't swallow, but the feeling subsided to not be so extreme as we got closer to the procedure itself. They wanted to get going and asked me to put in the bite block, I balked here too, and they said they'll give me the sedative first to help me relax. I was so scared of that too, but let it happen.
I felt somewhat heavy, but gently. I laid my head down and let them put in the mouthguard, and before I knew it they inserted the scope.
I have to say I was not one of the majority that just skips through to recovery. I was aware during the procedure. BUT...

It was fine, honestly. I felt the tube go down my throat, but breathed through the fear the best I could. I don't remember gagging. I burped a lot funnily enough since they inflate the stomach with air concurrently. I didn't feel NEAR as much fear as I thought I would. It was unpleasant, but not at all traumatizing like I'd heard a lot of horror stories say, AND I'm an emetophobe. It was like an over the top trip to the dentist, if you don't have a fear of the dentist.

And as quickly as it started, it was over, and I was rolled out to recovery. I was antsy to get out of there not because I was anxious but because I was friggin hungry after fasting 17 hours for this and wanted to get home and eat. I wasn't nauseous at all but still asked for a shot of Zofran when the nurse checked on me, eager to appear alert so I'd get let out early. I was so thirsty and wanted water but had to wait 20 minutes before I was allowed to drink (due to numbing making it possible to choke). The sedation - while it didn't make me lose consciousness - sped time up, and soon enough my partner came around and took me home.

The good part is, even though I was in the minority of people who remembers it - besides the fact that it wasn't that bad - is that the memory fades like a dream. More vivid after it just happened, and then the details slip away over the course of time. When it happened I remember the full 3 minutes, now I hardly remember the passage of a few seconds in that time. Eventually it'll probably be gone altogether.

So if you're on the fence about getting a gastroscopy, please just get it. You are so likely to be absolutely fine and unaware when it happens, but I wrote this to prove that even if you're aware, it's not necessarily going to be traumatic. You read a lot of horror stories because that's what most people are likely to do when they have a bad experience. I would do it again tomorrow if I had to. You have the courage, you have the strength.

I'm so proud of myself for doing something hard and not letting my phobia rule my life.

TL;DR: terrified of scope, got scope anyway, remembered it but it was NOT traumatic and the memory is still fading