Saying goodbye to Dickens tonight — 18.5 year old chihuahua mix, my tiny keebler
Hello, everyone. I've been lurking here for the past month, because somewhere in the back of my mind, I've known this was coming for a while. Reading your posts has carried me through some really hard nights. Now it's our turn, and I wanted to share Dickens before I say goodbye to him tonight.
Dickens came to me almost two years ago under heartbreaking circumstances. He belonged to my dear friend Frank, who passed away. Frank had adopted him years earlier when he was a young adult. The shelter had deemed him unadoptable, too scared, and too difficult (he would panic if you put a leash on him). Frank saw something in him anyway, and they had 12 wonderful years together, most of which Dickens spent roaming around Frank's giant backyard with at least one or two other dog buddies. Before Frank died, he asked me to take Dickens. I said yes. Frank always had classical music playing at home, so I'm playing it today.
When I took Dickens in, I discovered he didn't need a leash, because he never ran away. He just needed to do things on his own terms. So I got him a stroller, took him to the park, and let him roam off leash while other dogs were on theirs. This tiny, dignified old man exploring the world at his own pace. He moved across the country with me when I had to relocate for a new job. He's been my constant--through the move, through being away from my partner, through everything. We've barely been apart for two years.
He has CKD and liver disease. Over the past month, I watched him work through his safe foods one by one. First chicken, then baby food (I ordered three flats of it, so hopeful), then bison, tripe, then most of his treats. Each food worked for a little while, and then the window closed. Even on Cerenia, the nausea was always there. He lost almost 2 pounds in a month, over 10% of his body weight.
But we had a beautiful last weekend and are having a peaceful last day. Stroller rides, a park visit, patrolling the sidewalk a few last times, a couple of hamburgers, and bacon for later today, which I'm pretty sure he'll snarf! My sister is coming today. A housecall vet is coming this evening so he can pass at home, in his bed, where he feels safe. Right now, he's resting comfortably, and I'm so grateful he hasn't started vomiting; he gets to go before it gets to that. That feels like a gift, even though this is the hardest decision I've ever had to make.
His vet said better two weeks too early than a day too late. I'm holding onto that.
Tonight, he goes peacefully, still himself, still Dickens. I'm devastated and feel like my heart is breaking. I can't imagine life without my weirdo little sidekick, BBD. I know so many of you have sat where I'm sitting right now. Thank you for being here. Give your old ones an extra cuddle tonight.
