Pray for my conversion
Long story short: I was born and raised in a Pentecostal church in Brazil, where my dad was a pastor. I followed their teachings until my late adolescence, when the questioning began. I never really felt like I belonged there, mostly because I am an introvert, and that loud, charismatic environment felt like a nightmare to me. Did I miss something? In order to be saved, must I listen to gospel music and showcase to everyone how "holy" I am?
What was the point of all those sermons—which sometimes felt more like self-help? It was as if something were lacking in the restricted range between the Assembly of God and Presbyterian churches I experienced. I was taught to despise anything that came before the Reformation, and Catholicism was scary to me. Despite living in the largest Catholic country on Earth, where Catholic influence is everywhere, from statues of patron saints to festivals, it all seemed like strange additions to the faith of the primitive church (which was ironically idealized by churches established only 100 years ago).
However, as a very visual person, I eventually concluded that my religious experience lacked identity and meaning. After all, how can I be a Christian when even the image of the (even empty) cross is perceived as idolatry?
It was only a year ago that my heart opened to the great diversity of Christianity. I realized that the Kingdom is bigger than my neighborhood church and that other forms of Christianity are valid and rich. More recently, I discovered Orthodox icons, and they touched my soul deeply. Also the Rosary and the Jesus Prayer have also embraced me during moments of anxiety and grief.
Theology is still a big question for me, and it is a challenge to re-evaluate points that used to be central to my faith (like the solas). I would say I am more inclined toward Orthodoxy for now, my heart is pushing me to be part of the Church of Christ. Even if I am not sure where the full truth lies, I want to be as close as possible to what Jesus and the Apostles taught and, chiefly, to receive the Eucharist as the real body and blood instead of a figurative representation.
I am here to ask you to pray for me and to share any common experiences you may have. I have never attended a Mass or Divine Liturgy, as I want to wait until I am sure of my path, since disclosing this to my family will be a big thing. For now, I am studying, reading, and praying as much as I can, please recommend me prayer books.