Bro, idk what’s wrong with me
I’ve wanted top surgery my whole life.
Now I have it scheduled and I’m like “but what about my connection to my original body?” And I’m like “what r u talking about bro WHAT?” Like the sanctity of being whole? I have no fricking idea where this is coming from.
It’s so odd cuz I KNOW I don’t like my breasts. I literally couldn’t get dressed in the outfit I wanted to wear earlier today because of them. I know I would’ve felt amazing in the outfit without them. They stop me from living the life I want to live.
But I have this stupid like “emotional” feeling like the symbolism of what having breasts is and stupid shit like that. I don’t want them! I know I am not comfortable looking or feeling like a woman. I don’t connect to “womanhood”, But I feel so guilty for some reason! Like I’m killing something, like I will no longer be pure or whole.
It’s ridiculous. I feel more obsessed with breasts than I ever was before. When I watch a movie, I’m looking at how the lead actress’s clothes sit on her and I’m like “wow she looks so good” but that’s bullshit because when I dress myself I HATE MINE!!!
I know I can even “be” a woman if I wanted even with no breasts. Like, I am pretty feminine with my style but it’s so ironic cuz I don’t wear anything I really like specifically because of my chest! I would literally be more “connected” to “femininity” after top surgery due to being more comfortable in my body.
It’s almost like I am enamored with the idea of being comfortable with my chest, while also knowing that I am not. It’s the classic, I like how breasts look just not on me.
I know I want top surgery and I know it will improve my life but these feelings are so contradicting and confusing.
I know deep down I need and want this but idk how to cope with these feelings or how to stop stressing over them..
Anyone with similar feelings before top surgery?