I would love your feedback on my writing
Okey, recently I stared writing and I want to know if this is worth continuing. Also is you have any feedback, it will be greatly appreciated. I am aware that my grammar is a bit wonky as english is not my first language, but here goes.
«Nobody finds their soulmate when they’re ten, right-I mean where’s the fun in that?»
-Sweet Home Alabama
Chapter one
I can`t help loving you
You made it so easy
I guess I made it too hard
To hard for you
Every good story starts on a Saturday. This story does, at least. Make of that what you will.
That evening my dad, my sister, my brother, my aunt, my cousin, and I were going to a restaurant. Our food had just been served, and we were sitting there talking - about school, work and other boring things. Suddenly, my phone began to vibrate incessantly, in the way a phone vibrates when you get spammed. I subtly checked it to see who it was. Emily.
One of my friends from school. She had just written my name several times in our chat. Nothing else, no explanation. Just my name. Of course, being the well-mannered girl I am, I was about to excuse myself to go to the toilet and answer Emily there. That’s when my phone started ringing. You’d expect this to be Emily, right? Calling to tell me something important. No, this was Violet, another girl from my class. My stomach sank then, because I had no idea what she wanted. Since I was about to go to the bathroom I pressed decline, thinking maybe I could call her back- or text her from the stall. She called again. I pressed decline again. On my way to the toilets, I felt my phone buzz with a new message from Violet. Finally, I was locked inside a stall and took out my phone. I took it out, only to see that Violet had written my name once. Nothing else. Seriously, what is people’s problem? Why can’t they just write what they wanted first? Now I was getting stressed. I slowly typed out, yes? and pressed send. I sat there silently trying to calm my breathing, while my leg bounced up and down from the sheer anxiety. I’m calling you in two seconds was the answer I got. I just managed to type out no don’t, when she called me. I was sitting on the goddang toilet. I did not want to have a possibly life-altering conversation sitting on the toilet. So naturally I answered the call. I took a deep breath and lifted the phone up to my ear. “Yes?”. My voice was soft, scared and hesitant. “Heeey”. Violet’s voice was so cheery that it made me more nervous. “So, can I tell Chloe that you like her?”. Something must have gotten stuck in my throat because I started coughing violently. Why would she do that? “Why would you do that?” finally came out of my mouth when I was done coughing. “Because she likes you too”. Her voice was slightly irritated now, as she said the words that would change my life with complete certainty. “How do you know that? Did she tell you?” My voice was laced with sarcasm, because I genuinely believed that Chloe could never love me back. This had to be a prank. “Yes” violet told me “She told me just now”
” Wait, what. She did?” I was now stressed, scared and irritated. Remember I still thought that it was a prank, because Chloe was way too good for me.
“She did”
“But, why, how? Huh?”
“Look, all you need to know is that she likes you back. So can I tell her?”
“Yes! for god’s sake please do. But I swear, if this is a prank”
“It is not a prank! Ok, thank you. Bye” Those were her last words before she hung up on me. I sat there completely confused and unable to grasp what the hell just happened. I opened my chat with Emily and typed: yes? My heart was racing away in my chest. I stood up. No, I made myself stand up. In some sort of trance, I unlocked the door, walked over to the sink and washed my hands. When I found the table, everything was just as I left it. That felt wrong, my world had just been turned on its head. Why didn’t everyone panic? Why was I the only one? The moment my butt hit the sofa everyone started realizing that they also had to go the bathroom. The chaos on the outside couldn’t compare to the chaos inside my head. What if it was a prank? I completely spaced out for the rest of the meal and remembered absolutely nothing. We went to the theatre after the meal; that’s the only thing I remember. That and the fact that Chloe called me, like, half an hour after we left the restaurant. I remember staring at the screen for like half a minute before pressing decline. I still regret it to this day. Yeah, I still wonder what she wanted to tell me.
***
When we got home, I struggled with falling asleep. There was too much going on inside my head. I was stressed that it could be a prank, but at the same time I was over the moon-thinking that it could possibly be true. My Sunday was completely ruined. The only thing I did was walk around in my house stressing about seeing Chloe tomorrow, thinking about Chloe. Oh, and ‘fantasizing about how it would feel finally being hers, finally being able to say, “This is Chloe, my girlfriend”, finally being able to tell her how much I loved her. Lots of my fantasies contained intertwined fingers, pinky-promises of forever and whispering secrets to each other. That was my dream. I wanted to make her so comfortable that she felt like she could tell me everything. Her thoughts, her feelings, everything. A girl like Chloe deserved everything. I’m not everything. I didn’t deserve her. One of the reasons I was nervous to see her was that there was so much I wanted to tell her, but I didn’t know how to string the words together and make the sentence make sense. The only words I knew how to say were “I love you” and “I’ll love you forever”, but that would most definitely, 100% certainly scare her away. I wanted to love her in the right ways. I wanted to make her feel loved. I wanted to reassure her that she is perfect and deserves the world. Falling asleep was once again, nearly impossible. I honestly don’t know how I did it. One of my standing theories is that I passed out from sheer stress.
The thought of seeing her again made me positively nauseous. I did not want to go to school, but unfortunately parents exist. I got on the bus while kind of wanting to throw up. The whole way to school was a messy blur of anticipation and angst. I walked purposefully slow out of the bus and towards the school. I did not want to see her. Or anyone for that matter. Is it normal to be this nervous to meet one of your best friends? Different endings of the same scenario flew through my head. Some ending in kissing. Some ending in one or both of us walking out. The one that stuck out-that one ended in heartbreak. For me, of course, because she was definitely not that attached. No one was ever this attached to me. I was the disposable one. The one perfect for one-time uses. I dragged my legs up the stairs and across the room and dumped down in the sofa. My heart was racing and I closed my eyes, trying to control my breathing. I picked up my book and started reading. I barely got halfway down the first page when I got restless and put the book away. I walked to the bathroom and stood for a while and looked at myself in the mirror. I picked at my hair several time, changing how it looked. When I finally broke out of the trance, I slumped down in the sofa again. I was alone, the only sound being my anxious breathing and the sound of my foot tapping against the floor. The door noisily opened and my pulse picked up. I whipped my head around, but it was a false alarm. This happened lots of time. Every time the door opened my pulse went through the roof but went quickly down again. Until it didn’t. Until it was her. After a while I had stopped looking for her, but my peripheral vision caught her red curls, and I forced my breathing into steady, long inhales. I slowly stood up and went to greet her. Before I was even in talking distance our eyes locked together and I stopped breathing for what felt like an eternity. I tuned the world out. I wanted to remember this moment forever. I wanted to remember her forever. I was forcefully pulled into my body when she broke eye contact and turned away from me. My steps were hesitant as I walked toward her. The closer I got, the more obvious it got that the vibes were off. She was just as scared as I was. But she was scared in a different way. I was scared she’d pretend nothing happened. She was scared they’d find out. When did liking me become embarrassing? When she finally stopped pretending, I didn’t exist, I tried to sound normal. “Hey”. And I failed miserably. I sounded like a mix of insecure and shitscared. Which was accurate, but she didn’t need to know that. “Hi”. The weird part is that she sounded just as nervous as me. It felt like I should be relieved, but it did not help. She bent down and picked up her backpack. Before I could process what was happening, she was walking away. That one motion, that one little thing felt like a slap. Like someone ripped my heart of my chest. I just stood there. I could not move. The classroom door opened and people started pouring inn. I just stood there. In big, bold, black letters scribbled over every other thought, it said “It was a joke. She never wanted you. They tricked you.” But the way Chloe’s eyes lingered on me told me a different story.