u/Business-Bimbo

I’m taking some ashwagandha tea so my inner narrator can rest for a minute as type this.

Something silly just occurred to me.

So my sister had a pastor neighbor who was a total conman, but he had a unique gift, he was extremely perceptive.
He could tell you everything that was bothering you just by observing you.
Also pretty sure he was a narcissist as most preacher men are.

He invited us for a home Sunday service and during the session, that weird moment started when everyone was in intense prayer and some two kids started falling about, spirits or whatever

Naturally I got freaked out and stepped outside to calm down, and he started talking to the other guests about me.
“I saw a woman sitting beside her and whispering.” That’s what he said to them.

In retrospect, I believe he sensed my severe anxiety at the time and picked up on the fact that it was cultivated by my mother.

“You are too lazy, you just want to get free things but you don’t want to work for them”
“Nobody can be around you if you don’t tolerate them. You have to tolerate me, I’m your mother”
“That small cut is making you cry? I don’t know how you people will survive”

This lady always had (has) something to say about the way I dressed, how I acted, my interests etc. so much so that my one big sister whom I could have been so close to and connected with, adopted the same pattern.

My sister was my first bully.
My mother was hers.

I moved into my own place and that was when I raised that not only did I have a constant stream of narration in my mind at any given moment, but that it was overly critical of my fashion sense, my lifestyle, my interests and decisions - greatly influenced by my mom’s and sister’s never-ending pecking.

My self esteem/self-worth was in the pits.

She trained me to do my own criticizing of myself on her behalf. Isn’t that totally wild?
Anyway that’s when I stopped craving validation from either of them.

I never knew true girlhood until I met my current friends in uni. I even went to an all girls high school for six years and still couldn’t make a connection!

Anyway later, after moving back in with my parents and finally realizing that my mom and I would never have anything resembling a mother daughter relationship, I wiped my little tears and saved the pity for my now-late sister.

Now, a new dynamic has presented itself.

I have been angry at my mom (and dad) for a good number of reasons (especially living in such close quarters once again), but for my own peace of mind I have been moving with a lot of grace for them.

Recently, my mom and I were working in the kitchen and I noticed that my inner narration has now changed its tone totally.. from criticizing me to criticizing her.

“Such a beautiful woman but such a terrible mindset.”
“She really shouldn’t have let herself go like that.”
“She had no business having more kids with this man.”

Oh, and her own criticism of me has never stopped. I just don’t take it seriously enough these days.
You know what, touché for her non-stop criticism backfiring on her now, though it’s me who still has to deal with the constant stream of negativity emanating from my mind.

So, how do I now deal with this? I’ve been spamming blunts for over a year and I think it’s time to move on in a way that is actually healthy for me.

All advice, suggestions, and reactions are welcome.

I just remembered a saying in my language Luganda that “omuzadde tasobya” - translated loosely to “a parent does not fault/make mistakes”

Who came up with this total bullshit??

It’s silly thoughts like this combined with colonial religious dogmas that are causing us to struggle as a nation/continent

People are busy pushing out babies unnecessarily just to feel some form of fake relevance and power
They think once you’re a parent you’ve made it and if you’re not a parent you are nothing

This is why we can’t even hold our leaders accountable

What a lousy thought process

You can honor your parent and still hold them accountable
Weak-ass egos

I’m sure there are more nonsensical thoughts like this even in other cultures, right?

I was at home in my typical home wear and my overly critical, neglectful and emotionally absent mom tapped my ass and said, “you don’t wear underwear?”

And I said, “ Nope.”
And I walked away, and that was it.

I didn’t even feel cornered or defensive.
I truly don’t give a damn anymore😁

All my life I was subjected to lazy parenting.
Providing the bare minimum (barely), no emotional support, zero guidance in life. I basically raised myself.

My dad is a textbook narcissist, and his actions over the years were so impactful that his narcissism rubbed off on my mom and my (now late) sister.
Somehow he is convinced that our relationship with him as kids is great and he has “done nothing wrong” and how dare anyone be angry at him for feeling the way they feel about his actions and how they affected everyone around him.

Living with my parents as an adult really clarified to me just how clueless and cruel these two people were during our childhood, probably reenacting the neglect and abuse they too faced in their childhood/young adulthood. I have been on the receiving end of my father’s wrath a couple of times since moving back into their house, and most recently “got in trouble” for enforcing boundaries around his inconsiderate use of the shared (kids’) bathroom.

See, my dad likes to leave his piss all over the toilet and the floor (and sometimes the shower), he does not flush - because apparently he’s saving water - and he doesn’t wash his hands.
He puts up an appearance of good hygiene only if he thinks someone is looking.
I once saw him wiping the toilet seat with his robe, and the disgust has never left my mind.

Fast forward to yesterday.
He was literally fresh and clean from the shower and passing by me in the hallway - which is a bit narrow - and he decided to shower me with affection in form of a kiss on the cheek.
Now this is something I used to crave, wishing that my parents could have been normal affectionate people, but I was surprised by the instant feeling of repulsion I got.

I literally wiped it off. I felt guilty for a bit, but I couldn’t stand having his saliva on my face while having the memory of his atrocious hygiene habits.

Anyway I guess I should thank the stars that I have a father to complain about. He’s not all bad, now that I can stand my ground with him and I get to use him for money sometimes.

I love that guy. Somehow.

Of an entrepreneur recovering from "Haven't I given you everything?" syndrome

My sisters and I were talking about just how awkward it is that we keep leaving our childhood home to build our adult lives, then crashing and burning repeatedly, ending up right back where we started.

We grew up in an enmeshed family system where children were expected to be totally subservient, dependent, and non-questioning to the authority in charge, for as long as they were providing the basic essential needs.

"Better be nice to him because he's the one paying our bills." So very African.

Any emotional reactivity or signs of developing independence/boundaries were quickly and publicly squashed through humiliation, harsh condemnation or physical punishment. So naturally, our personalities adapted to accommodate the unpredictable moods and shenanigans of our caretakers. We developed 'alter egos', characters that were 'acceptable' to present to our parents, and we hid away our real true identities.

We turned into versions of ourselves that our parents could love.

They begrudgingly provided and put all of us through school - which was great - but there was never any real guidance growing up; no life lessons, no financial education, nothing. Our parents didn't get any of that themselves. So, us reaching out to them for advice would easily trigger a battle of words, a physical altercation, a lecture, or a monologue of their own experiences with no context or interest in any of our actual situations (using their children to regulate their own selves).

Despite all this I am aware that our parents tried their best and I accepted and appreciate them the way they are, so this is not a blaming story. Let's continue

Unfortunately, some traits of my alter ego stuck with me, and my subconscious is stuck in a state where

• I don't feel I can make it on my own outside of my parents' protection/guidance, despite logically knowing I can and have done it before (I worked and lived alone for years before I moved back)

This feeling might be because of statements like "Why would you want to start working/get a job in vac instead of finishing campus first? What do you want from the job that we don't provide for you here? You know waitressing is a gateway to prostitution? Why do you want to apply for that scholarship? Do you know how dangerous abroad is? Isn't Makerere enough? Haven't we given you everything?" etc. I got over it all but I guess the mental imprint lingers.

• I am afraid of/uncomfortable asking for money, even if I am providing value that is more than worth that amount. Terrible for business. I haven't made a sale in an startling amount of time.

I think this is because I have lived right on the edge of scarcity for basically my whole life. After a childhood filled with physical and emotional neglect, I am basically wired to be grateful for the bare minimum, and it shows in the way I conduct business. Asking for what I deserve feels like a joke, like I am being greedy, cunning or ungrateful. I tend to feel indebted to prospects/clients in a very weird way, as if I think that I am going to disappoint them (yet I never do).

• Money is like a hot potato in my fingers (though inflation may have a part to play in that). I even took time to develop better spending habits and work on impulsivity yet my account keeps finding a reason to empty itself out, one way or another. Even if I tell myself I am more than capable and I am doing all the logically correct things eg budgeting, planning, saving, working, advertising, learning etc, I subconsciously feel that I am not a person who makes and grows their own income. I feel like a child just playing around with adult issues, yet I am fully aware that I am a grown person planning and working to be a business mogul.
• Bonus fuck-up: I also feel weird receiving money, favors, love, gifts, anything really. I immediately feel indebted and have to resist the urge to say "thank you" thousands of times, or to pay back in some irrelevant way.

You can imagine how campus was for a girl with such a mindset.

I am afraid to annoy or irritate people with my actions or even my presence. I've been using Reddit to try to undo this wiring. I learnt that the mind focuses on negative past experiences as a protective measure, and that it extrapolates your childhood experiences into your worldview. So I know a lot of these thoughts and feelings are not real, and yet they still tend to control how I interact with the world.

I underprice and break my back trying to overdeliver. I am generally afraid that I am not going to make it despite having locked in already and following an almost coherent plan. I have a hard time believing I can lift a business from the ground floor to a sensible running operation.

I used to give up on ideas before they reach any real manifestation or achieve any desired results, and I used to think it was because I had no direction. But I have some semblance of direction now and I still feel that overwhelming feeling of helplessness telling me "This is pointless, I'll never reach my goals with this, I need a better idea".

I feel like I must be useful to be accepted.

As is probably obvious, I also suffer from a rather persistent negativity bias.

Sometimes I think maybe I was never meant to be a businessperson and it was just the circumstances that made me gravitate towards it. Maybe it was the promise of escaping the childhood trap of forced subservience and self-suppression, which I somehow ended up imagining was the "plight" of an employee.

Of course, the way we were raised was probably a typical upbringing for lots of Ugandan children especially in homes earning lower incomes, which is where I have seen it most.

I can't for the life of me understand what is wrong with me... why, despite my best efforts, I seem to be stuck in this endless cycle of helplessness and dependency, while people with similar psyches or more "difficult" pasts, seem to break through their subconscious blocks more easily without having to do this much mental work. What the fuck😂

I don't know if such an upbringing is normal or not but I know it wasn't normal for me and my siblings because we all ended up fucked up in some very unique ways.

I (we) just need to figure out how to mentally get out, stay out, and figure it out. I need to get out of my own damn way/head without waiting for life to do it for me.

I hope to find some answers to this thing pretty soon, as I am sick of being hindered by my own mind. So if any business owners here can relate or have some guidance to offer around this, I'll appreciate it greatly.

EDIT: As I was talking to my therapist Dr Chad Gupta it occured to me that a lot of my confusion probably comes from this particular conditioning: Because the people I was dependent on for safety were the ones who made me feel unsafe, I started to relate "dependence" to "feeling unsafe" and i sought safety in independence, despite only knowing "safety" from the unsafe perspective I inherited as a child. What a fuckin' ride.

I am subconsciously drawn to the manufactured "safety" from the same people who made me feel unsafe and made it my fault (listen to your mother or else you will fail, if you dont do what we want you will never succeed" type shit). Breaking away from the manufactured "safety" to seek actual safety in myself, feels unsafe by default.

This might be more unique a problem than I thought. Hopefully somebody has some answers.

My dad is still excited about my graduation and he has reached out to one of his buddies to get me a job in some institution so I can “stop being redundant” at home.
They’ve told him to send my details to them, so they can “see what to do”.

From my experience this is already a bad move as it infantilizes me in the eyes of the hiring manager, as the supposed employee wannabe who is meant to be applying for the job myself. We’ve done this like 3 times already. Not a good move. Some guy in his office just being polite and humoring a concerned parent.

Now I’m here updating my CV to forward to him because he’ll throw a fit if I offer to do the applying myself. Might as well let him do it. I’m screwed anyway considering the nature of the interaction.

I’m increasingly aware of the emphasis on integrity and merit-based hiring in Ugandan corporate institutions.
However there are probably still people who have recently got their employment in this manner, right? (besides the obvious)

I just realized this week (25F) that I am deeply, deeply traumatized, despite years of walking around doing crazy shit and feeling like a normal person 😂

I guess we’re all traumatized in a way
Is anyone out there really, truly, boringly normal?
How do you even deal with such levels of trauma?
I’m so overwhelmed
Ruminating a lot
The past few years have been hard
I’m exhausted

Just realizing in my late twenties that I am deeply, deeply traumatized, despite years of walking around doing crazy shit and feeling like a normal person 😂

I guess we’re all traumatized in a way
Is anyone out there really, truly, boringly normal?
How do you even deal with such levels of trauma?
I’m so overwhelmed

One day I’ll finally talk about how I built my businesses from scratch while surviving on basically one meal a day, dealing with suspicious symptoms of complex PTSD, broke as all hell, surrounded by rampant alcoholism, scarcity mindset, constant emotional triggers, and little to no tangible support.

No one will believe me because we grew up in a big house and “we must have had a soft life, I just have kyejo”.
No one will understand the levels of inherited trauma that I had to dig myself out of to make something resembling a life for myself.
Trauma I did not choose to be burdened with.
Soft trauma.

Trauma where you should just be able to “get over it” as everyone says that’s what adults do, but you simply can’t “just get over” all the unprocessed issues that keep presenting themselves because your mind has been fucking crippled for decades and you’re just now trying to undo all the screwing up that was done to you, so you can build something you know is 100% worth it.

Building your sense of self worth all over again, all on your own, all alone. Always alone.
No one will get it.

Maybe my siblings will believe me.

It’s hard to be grateful when you’re starving, I’m sorry.
Just looking for someone who can possibly relate to this before I delete it. I’ve searched all over the internet already.

Just picked my bachelors degree certificate from school and the parents are telling me to start looking for a job, ati applying for masters

Naye nze ku business kwessiva

I accepted myself as an entrepreneur long ago
They will accept it too when they start seeing the real money

I’m the youngest in a blended family; two kids from my mom, two from dad, and me and my late sister from both.

Growing up, my mom was often critical of me, I was punished for expressing myself, and I recently stopped trying to be dutiful or connect with her because I realized she seems dissatisfied with me by default. At some point I just accepted that we don’t really have a relationship and we never will. I am mentally motherless.

These are some of the experiences I’ve had with her that have convinced me of this:

1. My mother tries in her own disorganized way to help my siblings recover when they are sick, organizing meals, checking in etc. I fell terribly ill today and when she got to know about it (we live in the same house), all she said was “at least you’ve got medicine” and left me to handle my own things like feeding, even while I was visibly weak. I started to do the same to her recently, not out of revenge but because I stopped having compassion for her a while back. You can’t pour from an empty cup, you know
2. She used to starve me. From 7-11 years I used to stay at home alone with her and she would be out all day and leave nothing to eat at home, while knowing that I had no money or cooking skills because whenever I wanted to learn they would tell me “I might break something or set the house on fire”. When I would tell her I was hungry, she would always say “cook, you people don’t want to cook” but she never wanted to buy anything for the house so all I did was starve.
3. I once badly hurt my fingers doing some senseless tasks for her (she used to work us like donkeys on her small business which has never actually grown well even after 20 years), and she looked at the blood oozing from my fingers and LAUGHED mockingly, saying “that little cut is making you cry? So now you won’t finish my tasks?”
4. When I showed up to my late sister’s funeral (her people-pleasing traumatized golden child), the only thing my mom said to me was “you are the one left now” as in the only child left that she shares with my narcissistic father. We did not ever talk about the loss or anything after that. She has never checked on my feelings except to tell me “she thinks I’m depressed”. On one hand I can count the number of times I have received some form of compassion from her.
5. I don’t remember when we last hugged or ever had a close conversation/encounter. After I realised this woman just didn’t like me, I stopped trying to be close to her or anything, and whenever she says anything hurtful to me, my mind just dismisses her thoughts and labels her a prickly bitch.
6. If any random person said to me the things this lady says to me sometimes, I would simply call them a hater and move on, which is what i started to do with her.

I don’t think she should have been a mom (it definitely seems like she didn’t want to), and I don’t plan on ever having kids because I would never want to make my child feel like this, intentional or not.

My romantic relationships are fucked because I end up getting anxious and my inner child is always screaming “do you love me? How can i make you love me?” and pulling innocent people into my mental dramas.
I would be better off if she told me outright that she doesn’t like me instead of keeping up with this constant ambiguity.

I suspect that she didn’t like me because i wasn’t a boy which led my father to go philandering and starting a whole new family where he got the boys he wanted.
I also suspect that she didn’t like me because I was too much like my father (resemblance, extroverted and bubbly) who she says she realized he was a narcissistic abuser a few days before they wedded.

I used to have constant suicidal ideation (and still do sometimes) because subconsciously I felt like maybe I am better off dead and what the duck is all this for anyway?
It’s not like I can ask her outright how she really feels about me because talking to her has never led to anything productive. All she would do is deny or become defensive. So I’m stuck with my damn thoughts that cannot be resolved and it eats at me everyday.

I don’t think I will feel any sort of loss or miss her if she dies before me, and I’m not interested in building any sort of relationship with her, but I just want to stop spending my energy thinking about how she doesn’t care and trying to find a reason. I’m looking for a very specific kind of acceptance, which is getting rather difficult considering i live in the same house with her and have to see her most days. I constantly ruminate about being able to move out again, or waiting for one of us to pass on so this chapter can finally close, hopefully.

I felt less affected by such sentiments when i moved out the first time but I was forced to come back home and have been faced with these kinds of questions and thoughts for about a year and a half of living here, and I’m honestly tired of thinking about it even when I don’t intend to.

Any advice/suggestions?

Inner self work aside, what does it actually feel like to be happy at home or have a happy life?
I’m looking for a reference point from which to start embodying my desired reality.

I realized recently I’ve never been happy in a home.
Living in my childhood home now, the only feeling I have towards it is that I need to get out/escape. This feeling has followed me to the different places I’ve occupied, and even to the “dream apartment” I secured earlier in life until I left.

The home itself is very beautiful and spacious in a calm secure environment, and I’m pretty sure lots of people assume we must be absolutely happy or privileged as a family/children in a two-parent household.

In this very house, we grew up in a highly volatile authoritative family system and relationships in my family were always strained in some way , usually by one or both parents; criticism, random/unfair/excessive punishment, forced subservience, and unpredictable or excessive reactions to small issues (growing up with narcissists… iykyk)

Children who spoke their minds or displayed more confidence than others were always shot down and villainized, and we ended up becoming high-strung, passive, slouching adults.
There were good moments, but they were so few and far between that I can hardly remember them from within the sea of chaos.

Growing up to be quite a regulated and self-actualized person - albeit with various addictions, strange thoughts and occasional dysfunction - has been by sheer force of will, unpacking myself little by little everyday.

Now I realize that I’ve never been happy at home. I was happy when I had my own place, but the negativity bias finds a way to take over with time and then the normal everyday challenges of the home are escalated emotionally for me up until I get up and leave.

Inner self work aside, what does it actually feel like to be happy at home or have a happy life?
I’m looking for a reference point from which to start embodying my desired reality.

So I’m graduating.

After dropping out of campus 6 years ago and subsequently being cut off financially by my parents, moving out and spending years working my ass off not to ever have to return home, losing everything and being forced to move back anyway while re-enrolled in a business course, I have finally managed to get through university and will be attaining my bachelor’s degree tomorrow.

I couldn’t afford to pay for the graduation gown or logistics for attending the official ceremony, so I don’t think there will be any sort of follow-up celebration /afterparty for me at home either (a preferred option since family gatherings tend to turn dramatic).

Now I’m here thinking of what I can do to commemorate the event in a meaningful and affordable way.

I wouldn’t have minded taking pictures in the studio but I don’t have a gown😅 and I don’t care for one either.
Should I get a graduation cake? Should I go to the bar? Should I organize something with my friends?
I’m overwhelmed with options, and also depressed.

Any suggestions?

When did it occur to you that you were actually going to become rich?

I know this place is not an amazing environment for us to develop and build our empires, but people seem to be making it everyday

If you did like a tech startup or something and have actually touched money, how did you do it and at what point did you finally acknowledge the fact that you were going to be wealthy?

This is not a promotion😆 but I got Bwat to try using it on my website because BUBU all the way and I’ve been checking it out all afternoon

While other AI agents say “thinking” when they are loading the code
Bwat is busy saying “Barakaring”
Kusimbularing?
Going to the kafunda??
Boomshakataring??!
Being Gumite💀

Oba how much is this kathing😂 love it
Kudos to the creators