5.14.26
Its 5:37am and I’m laying on the floor wrapped in a cozy blanket. I am breathing in deeply and exhaling slow. There is a chill spreading over my exposed arms and I feel my head want to bow instead of looking at the computer screen.
A small hole. A single needle recently placed on my heart. It sits amongst countless other ones that stick my heart haphazardly. Those are old, their pain still aches but my body has learned its pattern and knows how to cope. It is this new needle, sharp and valiant, coming through to save the night from my beating ventricular heart flowing with blood, flowing with undeserved life.
Beat. Struggle. Don’t give in. Heart you have taken needles before and this one is not unbearable. You’ve been through worse and and yet you can feel your heart begin to do the engine flutter. Like a word come out stuttered. Get up and your vision goes black, your heart is not pumping enough blood to your head.
God why struggle on? The cycle continues again and again. The systems come crashing down over my head. I am not them, I will never be. They’ve made it so clear but they won’t let me be. If I am just me can I live on the island away from them? Gather my friends and set a course away. Away from anywhere but here where I am. I am tired of fighting with my heart and my mind. My blade is dull and my heart has been pierced by countless needles. Beat. Beat my heart. Beat.
I want to be free, to cast away all the metal in me. To breathe in the air, to feel the sun’s kiss, to gallop and frolick among the good Earth. I want to enjoy your sweet tender love. Hug me and kiss me and give me your love. I yearn for that day. Today I just lay down and pray.
I am in a prison of my own making. Who is wielding those needles but I? Who is mocking me but I? Who is letting the world win but I? Do i truly hate myself so? Theres a version of me that the world wanted to know. So hidden away myself I did. Locked myself away thinking it would. Dull. Dull. Dull my colors. Dull my experience. Dull so that I could be like them. But they are and I am. To break down myself to become them is not I. God has not made me to be them.
I am me. Gifted by God freely. See my colors how brightly they can shine. Bring it to them and expand their sight. They might not understand, they will be afraid. They may throw rocks or try to put you away. God I see, you’ve made me for more. Placed all my treasured in your heavenly store.
Help me heal and recover. Remove all that metal. Placed in my heart so that I could try and settle. Broken and bruised my heart. Poor heart. Beat please. Im sorry for the damage I did to thee. The outside is cruel and life is so tough. Why did I have to hate myself? Why was I the cruelest one, to put me away in a box far from the sun. Bleeding I kept myself. Weak is not peace and pain is my platitude.
God O knower of all. I bow my head down to you. Like the prophets of old, speak to me now. Give me a sign of where I go now.