FilChi wedding traditions vs. what the couple actually wants
Throwaway because family members are on Reddit.
For those who grew up in FilChi families, how much are couples actually expected to follow traditional wedding/tinghun expectations?
I’m helping plan a wedding where the couple would ideally like something relatively intimate and practical, but the families have a much more traditional idea of what a Chinese wedding should look like.
The guest list is one issue. What the couple considers “already quite a lot of people” apparently isn't considered particularly big by the family, because once you start including relatives, family friends, and people who are apparently supposed to be invited, the guest list grows very quickly. 😂
Then there’s the tinghun.
The two families have very different approaches. One side is fairly traditional and has expectations about what the other family should prepare, provide, and contribute. The other side is much more relaxed and is happy to let the couple handle things themselves.
There have also been expectations around gifts/jewelry beyond the basic traditional items. The reasoning is that the bride deserves to receive these things because her family has raised her and is giving her away.
I understand the sentiment behind it, but I'm curious how common this is among younger FilChi couples. Is this still generally expected, or does it depend heavily on the family?
What makes it harder is that the more traditional side can interpret the other family's relaxed approach as “they don't care enough”, while the other side may simply see it as “the couple is getting married, so let them decide.”
There was also some initial misunderstanding between the families about whether the tinghun was even happening, which probably contributed to some of the tension.
So for those who have gone through this:
How did you balance traditional Chinese wedding expectations with what you and your partner actually wanted?
Did you have a big wedding because that's what your families expected, or were you able to keep it intimate?
And with the tinghun, what did your families actually consider “necessary” versus just nice-to-have?
I’m especially curious whether this is a very normal FilChi-family experience or whether some families are just… particularly intense. 😂