I had to put my dog of 17 years down a few days ago. This is a pain I was never prepared for.
Bella came into my life when I was 14 & she was 4 months old. My young teen years were rough, and she was by my side through it all. My household was chaotic, and she even experienced homelessness with me for about 6 months, sleeping in a van until we found a place to stay. As I got older, I was able to level up. By the time she was 9, I got a little Yorkie puppy who became her sister.
The last 2 years were the hardest health-wise. Her eyesight and hearing were gone, and even small tasks like taking a bath brought her major anxiety. She developed dementia during the last year of her life. She’d get stuck under furniture, hit her face against the wall, or walk through her own messes. The final sign was when her back legs started to give out and I had to pick her up to stretch them for her. That’s when I knew it was time. On Tuesday, I took her to the vet and had to say my final goodbye.
I feel so much guilt because she experienced so many hardships with me early on, yet she stayed by my side through everything. I never wanted her to end up in a shelter, and I did the best I could to give her a good life—though that stability didn't come until my 20s. Her sister never had to go through any of that; I was financially able to give her a life that I couldn’t provide for Bella early on. That eats me up just thinking about it.
I can barely keep it together. I have lost people in my life, but this pain is so unbearable. I haven't had a moment of peace, and I don’t see myself getting through this anytime soon.
I hope she knew how loved she was. I would relive every moment of frustration every time she left a mess on the floor or every hour I spent following her around the house to make sure she didn’t get hurt. I’d stretch her little legs when they gave out. I’d hide her medication in blocks of cheese like I did every night. I would do it all over again just to see her precious face once more.
I saw her in my dreams the night I put her down, the healthy version, before the old age took her from me. My sweet baby, tears fall just thinking of you, help me recover from this heartache 💔