It creeps in when I should be feeling joy.
It creeps in when I should be proud of myself.
Going from feeling overjoyed to crying.
Like it is wrong to be happy and keep going.
The death…
The amount of people I have loved lost in traumatic ways…
It eats at me.
My blood family.
Then my chosen family. The only time i truly I felt loved and accepted in my life.
Almost all of them gone now.
I chase that feeling every day. To feel whole, loved, and safe like I did with them.
Surviving addiction is a miracle.
Every day, I hope the ones that I started treatment, this journey of recovery with will get sober again, to be with me.
I miss them.
I just want to feel joy in life without being guilty
I just want to be loved.
I just want to feel safe again.
I just want to matter again.
I am still here for a reason.
No matter the mistakes I have made.
I’m still here for a reason and for our kids.
I try to live life for those no longer here.
Most days are harder than others
I yearn for the time when I have a lot more easier days than hard ones.
-Sable