Vaping has become one of the only reliefs/regulation for me (share thoughts plz)
I have CPTSD and with this disease and 5+ yrs of docs trying to rule out other shit despite my first doc diagnosing me... I have had suicidal thoughts constantly. Things are good shortly and I think I'm pacing well and then bam I'm in pem again or it's too late and the pem is awful bad bad. I'm 22 and mild. I'm trying and failing to maintain any sort of normalcy of society's expectations of my life with being so sick. For the last few days hitting a vape like 15x total in a day in the am, mid day, and pm combined has become a genuine relief and has helped almost completely stop my suicidal thoughts. Maybe it's the deep breathing. Maybe it's the flavor. Maybe it's the short term symptom relief that nicotine provides helps me feel less shitty while resting in the quiet dark. Thoughts? I know vaping will shorten my life and will probably lead to overall worse health later on. I don't want to live like this. I have had enough doctors say 'I don't know' that I have spent years in apathy for my future. Honestly if I got lung cancer I'd probably just find a way to quickly end my life like pills or something. I already want to die so often and regular coping skills require spoons almost always- "go for a walk, color, play guitar, listen to music, spend time with loved ones"
Please please please share your thoughts. I really don't think I'm addicted and I know I will be if I continue this. It's the only relief I've found that's consistent and reliable no matter if I'm in PEM or not. Long term it might worsen my symptoms... does this make it not worthwhile? It seems similar to the idea of giving up on things like running, walks, singing, etc because they cause pem. I've given up so much of my life to this disease without my consent. This is a choice I can make. A shitty idiot choice, but one that brings me great comfort. I don't have a caregiver and am in the process of applying for disability and food stamps. I'm realizing my life may need to just be put completely on hold because of this illness or whatever the doctors find (suspected narcolepsy and myastenia gravis but neither cause pem which is textbook exactly what I experience).