You are preventing your own recovery
Hi guys,
I had a really really bad DPDR episode around 1 and a half months ago.
I was completely normal, then got on a plane and felt a bit existential, then had a panic attack and afterwards everything felt unreal, I felt so disconnected from everything including my boyfriend. I went on a holiday I was looking forward to so much, but every beautiful sight of nature just made me feel this extreme dread about existence. The best way I can explain it is like the ground under me felt empty, and just this extreme disconnection from my body and surroundings.. Also a hellllll of a lot of existential thoughts.
The first thing I did was search it up, and I found this subreddit, alongside some other websites. Started obsessively reading this stuff, every recovery story felt so relieving, and every comment along the lines of 'I've had dpdr for 20 years' gave me a HEART ATTACK.
I was so all over the place that I ended up losing my passport on the way back in the airport, and missed my flight.... Eventually got a replacement and came back, and felt so much anxiety on the plane as that's where this all started.
Now, how did I get out of this shitty situation?
this will be in a hella random order as I think of what the heck i did
- knowing that this cannot actually do anything to you. However much you panic, cry, spiral, that feeling of dread and disconnection is the worst of it. Accept that- and I know it's hard, when I read guides which told me to do this I was just thinking fuck off. But its really about sitting right now, feeling that dread, and knowing it's a feeling which will pass. It's like if I have a headache, and I think the headache will never go away and ruin my whole life. It's just untrue. The more you are able to make it a habit- to sit with this feeling and just feel it (just because it FEELS bad doesn't mean it IS bad), the more your brain will understand ehhh this isn't a danger, not worth obsessing over
- Now, you have learned to sit with the shitty feeling. Do not let it prevent you from doing anything. This is the same treatment as with any other form of anxiety, because DPDR is anxiety... What helped me was at the peak of this shit when I was spiraling and crying and felt like my existence would fall apart, I lost my passport and had to deal with some real life shit. And I was forced to face my fear by getting on that plane. This showed my brain it was fucking terrified for 0 real reason. If u guys have had any other form of anxiety, eg. being absolutely terrified socialise, its the same shit, fear. FACE IT. Show your brain it's bulshitting you, accept the bluff. It will feel HORRIBLE but you will get used to the horrible feeling, like before a rollercoaster, and eventually the bluff/dpdr thoughts will sound so stupid you'll just ignore them.
- get the fuck off this forum. Even reading recovery stories is an addiction. In some ways, I think people prone to OCD like myself are more likely to have this issue. It also fired up my sensory OCD (obsessing over breathing) which is the same shit undercover. Many people experience depersonalisation but this THOUGHT-FEAR-THOUGHT cycle that we fall into shows an underlying tendency to obsess. Acknowledge this, the fact that you're obsessed with the dopamine you get from reading this shit, and stop.
- I saw a psychiatrist and got on Lexapro. Honestly, the physical symptoms of anxiety were constantly with me, chest tightness etc and my thoughts were cycling so much I felt completely hopeless. This helped reduce the fight or flight reaction a bit and made me calmer so I could think more rationally/ also get about my life. U dont need meds but it can help, like raw dogging a toenail surgery vs having anesthesia.
- Sometimes, this shit can uncover some underlying shit. For me, the psychiatrist was like bro.... lowk ur an ADHD freak, but ur ADHD is inattentive so it was hidden. I would never have seen a psych otherwise cuz my asian parents r sooooo against it. It made me realise the procrastination I have day to day about so many things, especially success/work and even simple shit like admin has made me have SO MUCH ANXIETY. I always thought its just me being lazy, but the extreme guilt it gave me proves otherwise. Anyways, really work with a therapist (or chatgpt loewk if u cant afford one) to see what the fuck is wrong with u cuz sometimes that can manifest in other ways, as this is an anxiety disorder at the end of the day
- FORGET THE NAME DPDR STOP IDENTIFYING WITH IT. STOP MAKING UR WHOLE LIFE ABOUT IT. treat this as what it is, a shitty mix of anxiety, ocd, trauma. This happened so u could fix your life. Read books on anxiety, calm ur nervous system the fuck out. Stop thinking dpdr is this magic thing where your existence has changed completely and no one else can understand you and waiting for a fairy godmother to come and bibbidi babidi boo u out of it
- stop doing drugs bruh. issok if this was caused by drugs, dont blame urself. but dont do that shit now
- stop putting a fucking timer on it. After a breakup or sum shit do u put a timer like hMMMMM WHEN WILL I STOP BEING SAD HM WHENNNNN?. no. u heal without tracking it. Just focus on taking care of urself/therapy/ living ur life day to day and you will feel better as time passes. It's like watching a clock at school to see when lunch time comes it feels like forever cuz ur goddam tracking it.
- People who have had dpdr for 20 years or some shit im sorry like ur feelings are valid but also u have anxiety. Thats literally it. You're still stuck in the cycle because you're still here thinking about it, or I wouldn't see your comments. For this cycle to stop, where your brain thinks about this, and you FEAR, and you read about how to fix it, feel better... and again THOUGHT -> FEAR -> RELIEF... Do u see where im getting at?. Just because you've been like this for so long, doesnt mean the condition is permanent. And you can get better too.
- having a good support system. Don't share dpdr with randos they will probably make u feel crazy.
- certain environments/fluroscent lights etc can make u feel worse, or unfamiliar places, philosophy related topics etc. and i say fuck em. your brain likes to make sure you're safe, so its gonna absolutely love obsessing over anything to fire up that anxiety response again. tell it to fuck off. and go about your business. ik im not allowed to say just ignore it, but even if ur shit at ignoring it now, if u let the feeling happen (which ur doing anyways, while still obsessing over it) your brain will eventually let go
- IT WILL NOT SUDDENLY ONE MOMENT ALL GO AWAY. it's like how a cold doesn't just disappear one second to the other. It takes time, but you'll realise it eventually is gone
- go gym, focus on self improvement. Yes, u can't be sure about all these shitty questions about existence, or reality, or whatever, but u know what else ur not sure of???? an advanced maths question. There is so much u have not accomplished, and do not know. focus on that.
I also read hope and help for your nerves by claire weekes (can download this https://pdfcoffee.com/pub-hope-and-help-for-your-nerves-pdf-free.html) this one was AMAZINGGGGG honestly please read it. It realllyyyyy kick started my recovery. Now if im ever hella freaking out I just allow myself to float through it and understand even tho my brain makes it feel like reality will fall apart etc nothing will acc happen and my brain is just temporarily tweaking.
Shaun's dpdr manual is good for dpdr specific shit, like feeling like ur not alone with symptoms etc, idk why that shits paid hto honestly so here it is
https://pdfcoffee.com/qdownload/91753007-depersonalization-guide-v2-5-pdf-free.html
please make urself a tea, do the things u enjoy even while u feel shit doing them. focus on school/work even if it feels like ur brain is gonna combust. spend time with family and if ur family is shit spend time with whoever the fuck is ur comfort. and if not, message me.
You will get through this, I PROMISE