Thoughts: A Perpetrator's Perspective
Firstly, I stand with survivors of sexual assault. When people say they have been sexually abused or assaulted, I believe them. In considering what happens to perpetrators of violence of any kind, but especially sexual, it is the survivors who should have the primary say. The legal system is set up such that they rarely have any say, and certainly not in a timely manner. In all things I want to honor the experience of survivors and more pertinently the survivors of Geller's and my assault.
With that being said much of this post will be conveying my opinion and experience. Not because I do not care but because I am not them. I do not know the extent of their experience and can only express what I know. I hope that despite this, what I have to say will be recieved with grace. I will do my best to recieve criticism and correction with grace.
Also pardon the username. My brain is fried today.
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To restate, I am cis man, and a perpetrator of sexual violence. In late high school, when I was 17 and 18, I had a romantic and sexual partner whom I sexually assaulted. I was verbally coercive to her, for a long period of time. I did what I did not in malice, but in simple self-interest. Often it's said that SA is about power rather than sex. I did not see what I was doing because it was about sexual gratification. I didn't know that power and sexual gratification can be the same, and I didn't know that sex and sexual gratification can be different. I can also state that this period of my life is the most profoundly regretful thing I have done. Especially that I am now only three years removed from that period of my life. Especially that I am still both romantically and sexually involved with this partner.
My partner is aware that what I did was sexual violence. We have discussed it at length, numerous times over the years. We are pesently both in therapy and have discussed it with our therapists. I have, to date, recieved no punishment for what I did barring the guilt I feel now. My partner is also aware that the statute of limitations has not expired yet, so my continued "getting away with it" is by her choice. I would comply with criminal proceedings if they did occur.
Not only is my partner aware but certain close friends and family are aware. When a friend confessed to me that they had experienced prolonged sexual assault from a male partner I considered it my duty to inform them that I was guilty of a similar crime. I live with AFAB people. I considered it my duty to inform them of my history before they signed a lease with me. My partner's parents know, and my parents know.
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All that is to preface my thoughts on Geller's behavior both past and present, as well as the reaction by the community at large. I am tempted to set up Geller as a role model. An example of what reformed men could look like. While I think that there is a place for that sort of public figure (which I do want to discuss), the question needs to be asked; has Geller behaved in that way?
To start, Larua Crone and Jessie Gender were not aware of his history. I'm not sure about Gender, but Crone definitely refers to him as a friend (past tense). Given her history and her art, their friendship makes me feel that she was entitled to some knowledge. Maggie Mae Fish makes a good point: by not telling women he worked with, he took away their agency in rehabilitating him and his image.
In addition, he's referred to his university days several times in his essays. I believe he's referenced and read a college essay he wrote about gun violence (am I right? it's been a while), for example. Given that he feels comfortable dredging up positive parts of his past, shouldn't he feel comfortable dredging the negative parts as well?
That feels to be the fundemental problem with Geller, I believe. We can talk about the morality of being let go from Nebula or MinMax, but the central issue is that people that did seem to have a stake in this did not know. If he wants to be a public figure, fine. If he wants to help the world, fine. Put your money where your mouth is. Write a video essay (just the one) about the culture that led you to that place. How other young men could be different.
I wonder how differently this would have gone if he had a video essay about that. This comes out, and he points to something 5 or 6 years ago and says "yeah, were you paying attention?" Laura Crone could not have been surprised, because she already kew. Maggie May Fish might've not been an unwitting accomplice because she knew and chose to believe that this man genuinely was helping.
I believe that is the most frustrating thing about it for me. It's not about what he did 10 years ago it's about what he's done much more recently. It's about the question of responsibility, of the need to stand and say, just once, "I did this and here's how you can avoid it."
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I am aware that there is some parasociality in the above section, but there it is.
There is a discussion to be had about the possibility of a public figure with that kind of history. Do they need to announce it? How often? How loudly? Why? Do they have the right to even try to be a public figure? If they do, must they only be in public to decry sexual violence, or do they have the right to do other things?
One day I may try to be a public figure. I believe that I have that right (to try, not to succeed), and my guess is that my partner would agree. If I do so I will be loud about my history so other men know what it looks like. So they can know that you don't have to be doing it in malice to be doing harm. I want to stand with survivors and say no more.
I suppose I want to know if that's enough. I guess I want to see Geller really, truly, actually, do the same.
Edit: Small things for clarity. Shouldn't affect meaning at all.