In a bad phase
I feel so ashamed and embarrassed how bad my house gets after only a few days of letting everything go. I have someone booked to help but I keep cancelling as it’s a stranger and I don’t know how she’ll react. I’ve also gained weight the past month when I was meant to be losing it after visiting dysfunctional family. And now everyone is getting together again only a month later and I’ll probably have to go because it’s cooler weather there that where a am and the heat gets overwhelming. I feel so disgusting and out of control of myself, like no one will ever love me, I just want to not be conscious anymore. I’m just tired of being awake, but sleep doesn’t come easy.
I wish I could try meds but even caffeine makes me crash, every time I get hopeful and excited about a plan I crash and burn physically. My body and mind is a cage, wtf do I do. I did this visualisation yesterday of being in field with all the animals I’ve loved and all was peaceful and a good kind partner to love me and no illness. I spent 5 hours there. I felt very dissociated when I was forced to leave because I got thirsty. But I just want to live there. I’ve tried going back but I can’t lock in quite the same. I’m not s-icidal, just want to turn myself off somehow as being awake is so often slow quiet torture