Teen girl coming of age/romance chapter book I cannot remember from high school. Main character was very much "not like other girls." Set in high school, junior or senior year?
Hello reddit, bear with me, this is my first ever post! I have searched the depths of google to find this book, but I cannot for the life of me find it. I read this book I think in 2016. I should also clarify that I HATE read this book, a lot of slut shaming, misinformation about sex/virginity so on. I tagged as NSFW because there was a bit of explicit topics/language that idk if I can discuss without that tag.
*TRIGGER WARNING* topics of death, suicide, and SA.
I don't remember ANY names. The main character was teenage girl in high school, either junior or senior year. I recall a prom near the end of the book. Very early in the book, you learn MC doesn't fit in, she is "not like other girls." The other girls are described as "slutty." I recall her mentioning that these other girls used to sneak off with high schoolers, while they were in MIDDLE SCHOOL, and would sleep with them/give them "blowjobs." Veryveryvery slut shamming, victim blaming, glosses over the SA aspect of a high schooler taking advantage of middle schoolers, gross. There was one point she described these other girl's makeup as slutty as well?
Somewhere in the beginning of the book, main character is talking to her favorite teacher, and he gives her a book from a local author. The book is one of few copies I think? Maybe even just printed out on computer paper or some shit. MC is infatuated by this teacher, "he is the only one that understands her" type shit. I think she tries to kiss him when he gives her the book, or after she reads it? I think this teacher shuts it down, and made MC switch classes? MC then moves her obsession to the author of this book she was given, and is on the hunt to find this local author? MC somehow gets in contact with a woman who knows this author? She TRACKS DOWN this woman's address and knocks on her door. I recall MC describes this woman's makeup as "not slutty like the girls in school".... I don't recall how MC finds the authors address, but she ends up at this author's house somewhere in the book.
I recall MC starts regularly showing up to local author's house, and pretty much trauma dumps on this man? This part is extremely fuzzy to me, but I think was pretty crucial to the book. MC meets this boy around her age, around the time when she meets this author. I think this boy is related to this author? I somewhat recall him just being at this authors house, but I could be wrong about that. She describes this boy as scary lookin, kind of big?? I recall him being a bit of an aggressor, getting into fights, maybe even being made fun of for how he looks. I also don't remember if they went to the same school, or if he even went to school. She starts spending more time with said boy, and ends up falling for him, because he is "different" too... At least she was finally connecting with someone her age IG.
This boy/love interest eventually ends up locked up in a detention center of some sort??? MC and love interest are now sending each other letters. Love interest at some point stops sending her letters. Come to find out, he FUCKIN DIES. He falls out of a window, and they thought it was suicide, but I think they somehow discover he was trying to get on the roof????? Because that's where he wrote his letters to main character ?????????? Girl, idk, this book was WILD. Anyways, I think MC doesn't learn all this info until end of book?
MC then just starts trying to fit in now, starts befriending the popular kids? MC decides to have sex with one of the "popular" guys. I recall MC mentioning A LOT of blood, like gushing, when she decided to sleep with him. She feels ashamed and leaves? That part of the book pissed me off too, what do you mean you lost your virginity and there was a puddle of blood.... MC also tried going to prom with this same guy? I can't recall if it was before or after she tried to sleep with him, but she ends up ditching everyone at prom.
I don't know how the book ends, I just remember HATING so much of it. It seems like all I can remember are the parts that pissed me off the most lol. I also think the author was a man? I could be wrong about that, and I am probably misremembering A LOT of the book. Again, I read it almost 10 years ago when I was in high school. I feel so bad, because FOR YEARS I somehow misremembered it being "turtles all the way down" by John Green, and that man did not deserve the years of hate I felt for this book he didn't even write... If anyone has ANY clue what this book could possibly be, pleeeease help!!