My thoughts on chess
Chess is impossible to love "normally". It's pure intellectual BDSM. I love it when chess hurts me. When it whips my brain across both hemispheres, crushes my ego, and leaves me mentally broken, desperate for the next match to ruin me again. Life is too complicated and terrifying. Living the way other people do, like talking, smiling, forming connections etc feels impossible to me. Everyone around me keeps moving forward, growing, evolving, while I rot here like some pathetic excuse for a chess player, decaying inside and out. These thoughts are killing me, and if I don't keep feeding myself these puzzles, I'll brick my pipi or something even worse will happen. That's why the pain chess gives me is my salvation. Every brutal game, every sleepless hour, every move beating against my skull keeps me away from those thoughts. It's the only thing that lets me escape life, escape myself, escape the unbearable awareness of en passant.