"D4" Looking for Direction (SOS)
Hello, I hope everyone is doing well. I am looking for genuine and hard-hitting advice.
I am not typically the one to do this but I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I am entering my fourth year but frankly feel closer to a D3 in terms of personal/professional growth and clinical requirements. I have $500-600k in student loan debt and invested a lot of time so I feel compelled to continue but have lost virtually all drive to do so. I know it is the logical choice to finish up and at least obtain the degree and quitting now would be financial and cultural suicide. Even if I manage to graduate, I don't see myself having longevity in this career.
Why did I go into dentistry in the first place:
- I do want to and enjoy helping people.
- I grew up with curiosity and like to work with my hands. Seeing how things worked and problem solving is what I do. Some examples include vehicles, electronics, and watches.
- There is high expectations of me as a first generation student from my parents. Anyone familiar with Eastern culture will know that higher education, earning potential, and "status" is highly stressed.
During D1 and D2, I did quite well academically (top 75-90th percentile) and still pursued personal interests. I took every opportunity to improve myself both personally and professionally. I exercised and ate well; I took good care of myself and was a great spouse in my relationship.
Now, I am lost during my D3 and D4 and behind on clinical requirements. I find myself making every excuse to not show up in clinic. At this point, repeating a year or at least staying past expected graduation date is expected. I only do the bare minimum to not get dismissed (although I fear this may be coming). I don't do or enjoy the things I used to. I no longer exercise regularly and eat either too little or much with weight fluctuations. Additionally, I am drinking more than I should and doomscrolling to cope. I am aware I am engaging in self destructive and sabotaging activities. I am not giving my all in my relationship and my spouse is concerned about my wellbeing and future as a husband/father (no kids yet) and for obviously good reasons.
I have boiled things down to the fact that I have great difficulty operating on real people and the responsibility associated with that which is very ironic and jeopardizing to my dental career. I understand that making mistakes is a part of learning/training and that reflecting on this and getting more exposure is the way to overcome this. However, I just can't help myself from ruminating and being paralyzed in clinic. I'm not sure, maybe I am just lazy and weak.
I have physical and mental health issues that started in undergrad and am being treated and taking medication for them; I had a brain injury that left me hospitalized for a week which may be related. However, my hand skills and dexterity remains intact, at least presently. Additionally, my upbringing has had long-term effects on me in terms of social interactions and how I approach authority. There is a nasty cycle where these aspects are affecting my school performance but also school is affecting my personal life.
I don't know what to do, perhaps dentistry (or healthcare in general) is not my calling. If I continue the way I am, nothing will improve. I know that you have to start somewhere but feel like I have dug myself a hole I can't get out of. Small changes are simply not enough at this point. I have considered a leave of absence but not sure if time off will benefit me and I believe there are student loan repercussions as well, especially with the recent federal policy changes. If I withdraw, I am left with the shame of doing so from myself and my family; there will be uncertainty with my finances although I am open-minded to many forms of opportunities. Thankfully, my spouse is understanding of this but even I know there is so much before the camel's back is broken.
Any advice, suggestions, criticisms, words of encouragement, etc. would be greatly appreciated. Thank you and I hope everyone is staying safe and healthy.