i hate how much this illness affects my life.
it's just so demotivating to be 21 and being on the cusp of developing arthritis in my hips. my muscles are grainy in texture when they're massaged because there's so many painful knots in them and in my fascia from having to hold my joints together in place of my ligaments. relaxing my leg muscles is almost impossible some days. a random spot in my spine spontaneously started aching for no reason a few days ago, so badly i couldn't turn my head left. it still hasn't gone away, despite doing all the right exercises, swimming, wearing a corset, and even taking 1000mg of naproxen in a day didn't touch it whatsoever.
technically i am physically capable, but not without pain. it's exhausting and i'm at a loss for what to do. i try so hard, not even to keep up with peers, but just to be passably clean, stay fed, and not fail my classes so i don't lose my grants.
i dared to walk for an hour today because my class was cancelled and i had a few shops to visit on the way home, thought i'd save myself buying bus tickets, but now i regret it. my knees feel like there's ice picks through them and my legs have a tender itchiness in my muscle from tension and fatigue. i feel like i should be at least using a cane, but it also feels like i'm just being dramatic because it's not prescribed by a doctor and i don't typically have pain over like a 6/10.
i just wish i didn't have all this pain.