I’m hungry
I’m a line cook. I started my first line cooking job at 20 in 2021. Ever since I started, with my only kitchen experience being a few middle and high school culinary classes, I knew I sucked. Bad. I was slow, unreliable, stubborn, and I lacked confidence. Overwhelmed at the sight of a screen full of orders or a rail full of tickets. It would slow me down. I’d try to make everything at once rather than focus on three or so tickets at a time, which would bring everything to a halt. I got the axe at my second restaurant for my lack of experience. But above all else, I was hungry. I wanted to get better. Every single day. I didn’t always put in the effort, though. A lot of days felt like autopilot. Another service. Another day to get through. Same mistakes. Same bad habits. I eventually entered into a kitchen that had real chefs. The type that would make you nervous. Constantly analyzing. Always having something to say about how you’re doing things. That’s where I grew the most. Under the constant anger. The resentment that drove me to stop making the same mistakes as always, my way of saying “fuck you too.” I feel it’s kind of a shame I could never evolve through sheer willpower to be better. I only ever grew to make sure my chefs knew I wasn’t as bad as they believed me to be. It hardly worked. I did grow. I became more observant, more knowledgeable, and I raised my standards for myself and others. I’m not the same cook I was two or three years ago. I want everything done to the proper standards. I hate cutting corners. Whenever another line cook acts like this is just a paycheck to them, it makes me feel a certain level of disrespect. To the rest of us who do this because we love it. I understand I can’t be angry with them. Not everyone is here because they want to be. But I still flinch when someone tells me I should rinse my pasta, or not worry about keeping my station too clean. I internally shake my head when people cook things how they want, not how they were told to cook them. I want more. I want to rise up to the bigger ponds. Where I feel small but feeling small makes me want to climb higher than anyone could have ever expected me to. What do I do to make my breakthrough into a kitchen that is obsessed with their art? How can I continue to get even better, until the mediocre amateur cook I am today becomes unrecognizable once again two to three years from now? I’m becoming tired of casual dining. But I’m still not satisfied with my skill set to the point where I feel I’d make a meaningful contribution to those I look up to. I’m hungry, as always, but I’m stuck. Being a cook at whatever restaurant will hire me had its benefits for some time, but the standards are stagnant now and I’m not qualified to raise them as a line cook. I can’t tell the chefs how to run a kitchen because they’re much more experienced, and it would be arrogant of me to do so with my barely almost five years of experience as a line cook, and no significant talent to show for it. All I currently have is heart. Dedication to the craft, a willingness to be better, but no real ability to create art and manage cooks the way chefs do. How can I get better from here? What can I do to break my own mold?