Validation to quit pumping and embrace EFF
Hi all, I'm a first time mum with a 5 day old. I saw a lactation consultant before bub was born who said I would likely have issues with breastfeeding due to my PCOS/tuberous breasts and completely inverted nipples, but that I should be able to do some breastfeeding.
I did everything I was told would make it more likely for my milk to come in, e.g. daily hand expressing in my last few weeks of pregnancy, unmedicated vaginal birth, but as expected bub couldn't latch at birth and my breasts were empty so we had to feed formula from the beginning.
I've been able to pump/express less than 0.5ml in the past 5 days, not even enough to get into a syringe for her, I've had to put droplets of colostrum on my finger and put them into her mouth, and I feel so guilty I can't give her the antibodies she needs.
I've been trying to hand express and then added in a brutal pumping regimen over the last couple of days. It was barely 48 hours but by the second day I started crying during every pump and even getting anxious about trying to bottle feed her because I was worried I would feed her wrong and hurt her somehow.
I'm at an extremely high risk for PPA and PPD due to my MH history and when we saw the midwife today for our home visit and she saw distressed I was, she told me to pause the pumping/expressing for 24 hours and let my husband do the bottle feeds overnight (he has been an absolute godsend throughout all of this).
I am feeling SO RELIEVED that I've been told I can have a break, and I'm 70% sure that by the time they call tomorrow I will say that I want to give up on breastfeeding and just formula feed. I can see that my husband and my mother both want me to stop trying to pump because of the toll it's already taking on me, but I am feeling such overwhelming guilt for not trying for at least two weeks for my supply to "establish."
At the same time, pumping feels so futile when all it does is crack my nipples open and get them a bit wet, and I feel like I'd rather use that time counting my little one's toes, doing tummy time, and reading to her over running myself ragged.
I already read through some posts on this subreddit today and was sobbing at how kind and encouraging everyone is, and the anecdotes about how well EFF kids have turned out. I'd love any other encouragement you would be willing to give, especially if you also had close to zero supply and chose to give up on pumping early. Thank you so much in advance 🙏