u/Dangerous_Housing314

I miss you; 
Even if you are a coward- I can still miss you.
It's been four years of you 
You painting my life with your darkest blues
As I lay here in bed with my hand on a body pillow that's meant to bring me comfort.
To make me feel less alone.
I am still acutely aware of how alone I am.
Aware that you will never lay your head on the pillow next to mine again.
Terror exists in finality.
I have never experienced this level of finality
ever.
I have never gone to sleep not thinking of ways to win you back
I don't dream impossible dreams with you.
I don't know if that's because you killed that part of me,
or if you never let it bloom.
I don't know maybe you were never the romantic dreamer of far flung dreams and wisher of impossible hopes
I thought you were but maybe it was just another reflection in the hallways of your mirrored facades.
I suppose,
in the leaving
in the breaking
There is only confusion
The dollhouse we lived in is melting scene by scene,
frame by frame it collapses and falls apart
I don't know where the pieces are supposed to fit
it all makes no sense,
a puzzle of puzzles with pieces plucked and forced to make fit.
In the absence of clarity
there is only finality.
So I question my being and the very essence of who I am
This is all so counter intuitive to who I am.
All my life
I believed wholeheartedly that I couldn't un-love someone.
So how then have I detached from you so?
My lunar calendar predicted this would be my year,
of cutting away unnecessary burdens and achieving success.
I didn't know you were a burden.
I thought you were my foundation:
How is it then, that I've severed our time..
and I am still standing. 
Then comes the realization that I cannot be upset with you for standing still. 
How is that fair?
Even if I feel like you have drawn your sword more times than I can count;
Even if you have felled me at the knees and watched me crumble..
How are you still standing?
How are you able to deal with it all?
Even though I know that's how I feel,
the thoughts try to convince me it wasn't real
Why didn't you break at all?
Why was I the only one that broke?
Good night, sleep well, I love you.