Draft#5 Opening chapter, supernatural thriller. Kindly requesting feedback.
This is swing number five. I’ve trimmed it right down and polished based on advise I've gathered so far. My darlings have been eviscerated.
How did it track for you? Did it grab you? Where did the yawns creep in?
This is the opening chapter, it follows the ANT, Agent Harrow POV, the tone is colder, he doesn't waste words.
The MMC and FMC POV chapters are stylistically different, softer, more intimate, especially when they are younger.
Is the POV switch too jarring?
EG: Chapter Two: Black Ice
Delilah knelt in the dirt beside Mum and dug for the ladybugs that came up wherever Mum turned the flowerbed. They had freckles on their backs and Lila had them on her nose. Mum said that made them related, which was why she called her Lila-bug.
u/Delilah_De_Lune — 20 hours ago