u/Detvix

This morning started like most others in my apartment. The sun shone through my tacky venetian blinds and penetrated the gap between my curtains that I neglected to close all the way the night before. I glanced at my clock across from the foot of my bed. 7:33 AM, the red LEDs read to me.

Another restless night. I haven’t slept soundly since she left. It’s been a week and a half, but the image of her back gliding up the airport departures escalator and fading away into the crowd is etched into my mind.

I should’ve told her. I should’ve grabbed her hand before she walked away and poured my heart out like they do in those cheesy romance movies. Life is never that simple though. I know how she feels. I know we’ll never be anything more than friends that met on the internet.

I grabbed my phone from the bedside table and browsed some videos. ‘How to cope with someone not loving you back’ I populated the search bar with and clicked the first result, it was titled ‘How to Deal with Unrequited Love’  it had some cute animations and a soft spoken woman who listed self help tips.

‘Stop daydreaming about them’ one of the chapters was called.

“Try looking for signs they like you in the first place”

I let out a breathless laugh that felt more like a sigh.
I started to think again about how unrealistic it would be if she even gave me a chance, I wish I could say I was just being self deprecating. We’re worlds apart. I’m quite unremarkable and she’s… well…
I curbed my thoughts as I felt tears welling up from deep inside me as they tried to reach my eyes.

I continued with the video. 

‘There won’t always be closure’

This one resonated with me in a certain way. I knew I wouldn’t be able to get closure without sacrificing our friendship. I think it would kill me all over again if I lost that.
There was one more chapter.

‘Distractions’

“Distract yourself with passion projects and new-” I closed the video, knowing I was both too stubborn and too far gone to follow any of this advice.
I inhaled lightly, about to comment, but I couldn’t get anything out. ‘What is the point when no one’s around to hear it’ I thought to myself in a defeated tone in my mind.

I looked through my phone's gallery and saw the group photo we took, with me, her, and my best friend. He already knew. I opened my heart to him the night before she left in our hotel room. An unusual move for me, I’m not good at talking about my feelings, I’m cowardly and worry about what others will think of me, but he understood how I felt he said. Did he? Has he been this in love with someone before? Has anyone?

My mind wandered again. I thought of all of the times I fell in love with her.

I fell in love when I first saw her walk out of the arrivals gate at the airport.
I fell in love again when she made a comment in an art gallery; “Nothing is explained and it’s all up to the viewer’s interpretation. That’s what I love about art”
I fell in love over and over again each time she fell soundly asleep in my passenger seat while we drove.
When she sang to her music, when she let out her adorable laugh, when she told me she almost cried when we saw her off at the airport. I fell in love over and over.

I wanted so badly for her to be mine, but I know I’m not what she wants. I couldn’t deal with the rejection, so I’ll keep my distance and keep falling in love with her in my thoughts.

A tear finally broke through. I wiped it quickly away before my clock could judge me any further as it stared at me, reminding me that I have housework to do.

I slowly rose from bed, and went and had a cold shower. It was warm out. 24 degrees celsius. Not as warm as it had been on our trip, but I was never good with the heat.

I thought about how she had introduced me to iced matcha. I was never really a coffee shop kind of guy but I tried it for her. I was pleasantly surprised by its earthy taste with a hint of sweetness from an added shot of vanilla. It helped beat the heat, and it meant we had more to talk about. I know, I know, it was very lame of me, but I wanted to do anything to get closer to her.

The cravings kicked in. Maybe buying another matcha would send me back in time when she was by my side, I thought to myself, and laughed at how ridiculous my thoughts were.

I finished cleaning my kitchen and I glanced at the time on my oven. 9:28 AM. I grabbed my phone from the counter and checked Discord to see if she had messaged me. Of course not, she was living in Eastern time and I was in the United Kingdom so it was 4:28 AM for her. I left her a message anyway.

“Good morning! Hope you’re doing well. I was just doing some chores and now I’m dying for an iced matcha. You’ve got me hooked!” I sent.

I started typing again, but hesitantly. “I miss you.” My thumb hovered next to the send button as I started to think of all possible replies she could come back with. I started to think how happy it would make me if she told me she missed me too.

I shook my head. It was no use. I couldn’t risk this friendship. Friends tell each other they miss one another all the time though right? I knew what my feelings were though, and I hated the idea of putting her on the spot. What if she thought it was weird? I mean we speak to each other online all the time, so I’m sure she would get the wrong idea and question me. I continued to overthink a little while longer and then deleted the message and let out a defeated, yearning sigh.

I grabbed my keys and my earphones off of the desk and headed out to my local coffee shop. I started to listen to my playlist that had bands like Moose Blood and Hot Mulligan. I remembered in the car she didn’t like my music taste that much, but she insisted that I keep it on as I was the driver and she would have the same privilege in her car. I listened to a lot of alternative, emo, and pop punk music. A lot of the songs were on the topics of yearning and love. I remember singing along while she listened as I pretended that the lyrics meant nothing to me. In that moment, they meant everything though.

I made a detour through the castle grounds in my quaint southern English town as it was a nice day out. It was cooler outside. The sun hit my skin as I was greeted by an occasional gentle breeze. It was cathartic. I started to remember how much she enjoyed exploring old ruins and castles whilst we were together. I told her once that she should visit mine and we can explore the castle. I’m sure she agreed just trying to be nice, it made me happy in the moment anyway. I looked at the castle atop the hill and continued walking as I turned my music up.

I reached the coffee shop after two and a half songs passed. I suppose getting into drinking coffee and tea is pretty good when I have this place just up the road. I took my earphones out before I went in. The chime of the bell rang as I pushed the door and entered. I was blasted by hot air from a tower fan. My eyes wandered inside. A middle aged woman was checking her phone as she drank from a takeout cup. A young man and woman were ordering drinks in front of me. The woman serving them was darting around her workspace masterfully as I watched what she was doing for a while.

The man ordered something cold and playfully placed the cold plastic cup against the girl's head as she laughed. I smiled, then pictured it to be me and her instead. I told myself in my head that I had to stop, trying to remember the sage advice from the video I had watched earlier. I couldn’t help it, I thought to myself. Maybe I would be like this until I said something.

I looked around the coffee shop again. It wasn’t too busy. I lived in a very small town and it was a weekday morning. I felt a little disappointed. This was the first time since the trip I’d been in a coffee shop without her. A small part of me hoped I would see her sitting at one of the tables waiting for me to bring her a matcha. Crap. Tears welling up again. ‘Pull it together’ I thought to myself. I started to go over all of the reasons why it would never work out. I listed all of my imperfections in my head. Maybe I was putting her on too much of a pedestal. They do say that this happens in unrequited love. At least that’s what the woman on the video said.

“Can I help, sir?”

I darted my head up and broke out of daydream as I remembered where I was. The couple in front of me had sat down at one of the tables further into the shop.

I hesitated a little bit.

“Sorry about that, can I get a medium matcha?” I paused and looked around. “To go please”

“Of course, is that cold or hot?” the barista asked as she looked at me with a welcoming smile.

I had never tried a hot matcha before, was this the normal way to have it?

“What do you think is the best way to have it?” I asked

“I know it’s warm out but I personally prefer my matcha hot, the earthy taste is complimented by the warmth!”

I awkwardly nodded my head, acting as if I knew anything about coffee at all. The last time I had a hot drink it was instant hot chocolate at a youth hostel.

“Sure, I’ll try it hot I guess” She smiled at me gently, as if she knew I didn’t frequent coffee shops.

“How about a shot of syrup?” She asked.

“I’ll take a bit of vanilla please”

“Good choice!” She said playfully. I smiled as my mind kept trying to wander and think of every time I would go into a coffee shop with her. I wished she was here again. I wondered what she was doing, would she buy a matcha today? Would she think of me at all? Do I even ever cross her mind? I was sure I didn’t. A weird feeling of homesickness overcame me, like I wasn’t where I belonged. Was I an imposter to coffee shops? I could barely tell you what a flat white was. I succumbed to my mind as it wandered a while longer. Please take me home. I want to see her so badly.

The barista turned her head to me quickly whilst she was finishing off my drink. She grabbed a lid and took the cup over to the counter to assemble it. I cleared my throat and became present again as she finished off.

I grabbed a diet cola from the fridge and added it to the order.

“That’ll be £8.35” she said, smiling at me. “Do you have the app?”

I opened the app on my phone. I downloaded it when we were on our trip. I remember getting a welcome offer for a free sweet treat and I used it for her. It made her happy,  she loved her sweets. I loved making her happy.

I scanned the app and the checkout beeped, and I paid the balance with my phone.

“Thank you very much sir, I hope you have a good rest of your day!”

“Thanks” I said softly, still a bit in thought.

I left the coffee shop and headed back to the castle grounds. I decided to go and find a bench and listen to some more music and drink my matcha and cola under the sun. I took a sip from the drink. It surprised me. The barista was right, the warmth really complimented the taste. The vanilla hit my tongue and I received a refreshing coolness, it almost tasted silky.

I took the cup down from my mouth and looked at the lid and was surprised to see the words “you matter” written in a gold sharpie. The words made me feel a warmth and I couldn’t help but let out a smile and a chuckle. The handwriting was cute, the letters were spaced out carefully; it felt like I could see how slowly and intently it had been written. Did the barista do this? Did I really look that down? I felt a little embarrassed, but I was happy. I needed this. I took another sip. I’m not sure if it was placebo but this sip tasted even better. Like a warm hug. It felt like home. Had I really been without that feeling for this long?

My phone buzzed twice. I moved the cup to my left hand and grabbed my phone from my pocket to check. It was her.

“Good morning!” She wrote. “How are you? I’m up a bit earlier to head to the gym! :)”

I looked down at myself and felt a little guilty for wasting an entire morning on romance, hot drinks, and soda when I could also afford to get myself in shape.

“Did you get your matcha?” she added.

I pictured her 3000 miles away looking at her phone, and me looking at mine, like we were looking through the same window on different sides.

“I did! I tried a hot matcha this time” I typed

“Wow look at you, you’re adventurous this morning!”

“Yeah, you’ve really made me discover a new side of myself haha”

She sent a gif of a kitten jumping for joy with the word “YIPPEE!” at the bottom of the image. Cute.

“Do you have any plans after the gym today?” I asked

“I’m going to be spending the day with my family today I think, some of them are visiting from the next state over”

“Oh that sounds good, are you going to show them some pictures you took? Make sure you show them the puffins!”

I sent one of my pictures of the Puffins I took from Lunga island.

“Of course I will! That was my favourite part!”

“Aww Cute!!!” she added

“Yeah, I’m glad you got to see them. I could see from the smile on your face how happy it made you”

“Yeaaaahhh” she said, already typing another message.

“I miss them, and you guys!” she added.

I saw the words “I miss” and “you” and my heart fluttered a bit.

I started typing

“I miss you too” I stopped. I thought about what I was doing. I wanted to send it so bad. Just do it you idiot, it probably wouldn't even be a big deal. She doesn’t see you that way anyway.

I sighed and deleted the ‘I’ with a ‘We’ so it didn’t sound too personal. I’m a coward, but I suppose I’ll take it as a little win.

She reacted to my message with a little purple heart. I smiled.

“Oh check this out” I typed as I took a picture of my drink lid and sent it.

“I guess I’m having post vacation blues, and the barista noticed haha” I added.

No reply for a few minutes. I finished off my matcha and carried the cup and my diet cola home.

Another message from her made my phone buzz.

“Ohhh, are you okay?”

I felt bad, maybe I made her worry about me.

“Yeah, I’m fine, just wish I could go back in time” I typed. I felt guilty for saying that I was fine when I knew how cluttered my mind was and how my heart ached.

“Me too” she replied.

I got into my flat and was about to throw the cup in the trash. I paused. I removed the lid and placed it in my kitchen drawer.

I walked into my living room, sat at my desk and turned my PC on.

Discord opened on my computer, there she was, with a notification icon next to her face.

I opened her message.

“Are you busy at around 11PM your time tonight?” she asked

“I’ll be around, did you want to play some games?”

No reply for around 5 minutes. Maybe she was driving to the gym, I said to myself. I put discord on my 2nd computer screen and opened my browser.

I saw her typing in the corner of my eye. I set my focus to her message waiting for something to come through. I was expecting a longer message. I was waiting for around 2 minutes.

“No, sorry, I just wanted to see if you were free to talk about something. Is that going to be okay?”

I stared at the message for what seemed like an eternity in my mind. A wave of anxiety hit me, along with a bit of excitement.

I typed back slowly, thinking of what I would say.

“Yeah of course, you can talk to me about anything. So 11PM my time?” I asked

“If that’s okay, I’m not keeping you up am I?”

“No, no, not at all,” I said.

I paused for a minute.

Then I started typing.

“Is everything okay?” I asked worryingly

She replied right away

“Yeah don’t worry everything’s fine”

She paused then started typing again. This time was the longest.

The message came through. I stared at my computer screen as I read her message, over and over again.

“I just really miss you”