Financial imbalance in a relationship, working out how to split childcare costs
I'm looking for some advice on how to split childcare costs when there's financial imbalance in a relationship. Happy to hear thoughts on the wider money situation too.
throwaway account for obvious reasons. I'm a long-time reader, and I appreciate the range of experiences and opinions I see on the sub.
EDIT: I have been deliberately vague about the full circumstances for privacy reasons. It's not a normal situation. My partner is also dealing with this situation for the first time. I totally understand that financial management can be a painful issue for wealthy individuals, due to worries about other people's motives. I appreciate the feedback about dealing with the relationship/communication challenges.
Family setup
- London, Zone 2, so living costs are relatively high.
- Our monthly housing costs are manageable
- we don't own our home equally. significant difference in ownership
- We’re both in our mid-30s.
- We have our first child starting nursery soon (4 or 5 days a week) and we plan to have more children soon.
My situation/finances
- my income is about £110k to £130k a year.
- I've bounced between contract and permanent jobs, and I don't feel totally secure in my career. I'm between jobs right now but holding out for something good. In the past, I've taken non-ideal roles just because I felt like I needed the money.
- £70k in cash/liquid savings, £120k in my pension.
- I earn a good wage but I'm definitely not rich. I worry a lot about my finances day-to-day.
- I've been able to save ~£1000 to £2000 per month over the past 2 years, after accounting for house purchase / life costs.
My partner's situation / finances
- income £300k to £400k a year. A significant portion of this comes from investments.
- They have a secure, permanent job and are great at what they do.
- They have significantly more investments, pension, and property than I do. It’s a complicated setup, so I’ll leave it at that. It's fair to say they are past HENRY territory.
Family spending
- We usually split the joint account roughly 40/60 (I pay 40%).
- I try not to buy expensive things. I wasn't smart with money in my early 20s, so now I just want to build up my savings and keep my outgoings low.
- Because of this, my partner pays for the majority of our nicer luxury spending —holidays, furniture, the car.
- It makes me feel financially reliant on them. Honestly, I’d be perfectly happy living a much cheaper life while we have a young family. We struggle to talk about money constructively, often leads to arguments
- I don't have to worry about my family's financial security in the same way many people do, which is a huge luxury.
- I do worry about how I personally can provide for my children because our family finances are largely independent.
The childcare costs issue
- Nursery will cost us between £2000 to £3000 per month, depending on days. Let's say £2800 if full 5 days, normal hours. We want the best nursery we can find for our child & family setup.
- I could drop my taxable pay below £100k so we'd qualify for the government childcare funding. My partner earns too much to do this. I'm aware this isn't an option.
- I have suggested I should pay the equivalent of what the funded hours would cost (between £600 to £1000 a month).
- My partner would pay the remainder. They can afford it, but they are unhappy with the idea and think I'm taking advantage of the situation.
- the decision has been raised several times, and has led to difficult arguments without resolution.
- We put off deciding this for two years because arguing about money was too stressful during the pregnancy, but we have to sort it out now.
- Whatever we agree on now sets the precendent for any future kids, so it feels like a major decision.
What I'm aiming for
- Sort this out without causing further arguments with my partner.
- Make sure nursery fees don't wipe out my savings, so I can keep building my own financial security.
- Take the financial pressure off so I don't have to keep taking jobs I dislike just to pay the bills.
Thoughts?
- Has anyone else been in a relationship with a huge wage gap and had to figure the childcare costs out?
- How did you actually approach the conversation?
- Any advice for a young family trying to navigate this?